


All In

by AsteMcCann_JustaShadow, SPN_Dragon (AsteMcCann_JustaShadow)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Supernatural Hunters, Big Brother Dean, Blow Jobs, Drunk Blow Jobs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hungover Sam, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Masterbation, Mentions of Various Sexual Acts, Sibling Incest, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-04 01:04:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 43,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12158430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsteMcCann_JustaShadow/pseuds/AsteMcCann_JustaShadow, https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsteMcCann_JustaShadow/pseuds/SPN_Dragon
Summary: From the moment their mother died, Sam and Dean’s world changed. And not in the “we just lost someone we really loved and it’s gonna hurt forever” kind of changed. But their “entire world flipped on its axis” kind of changed. Nothing would ever be “normal” again. They would become reluctant heroes. They would save the world and then some. And in the end, no one would really know.However, on that same night, a connection formed between the brothers. A connection that can never be broken. Not by them and not by anyone or anything else, no matter how many times or how hard it’s been tried. It keeps them alive, it keeps them sane, it gives them what they need, when they need it, without question. This connection makes sure that they will never be alone, that they will always have each other.And now, this connection seems to be morphing and changing their relationship, again. Will they be able to seize what it’s offering? Will Dean finally be able to accept some happiness for himself? Because that’s what this connection is offering them now. Will they step up? Can they be all in? Or is it just too far for them, for Dean, to reach?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This verse is written in the Supernatural world. However, I have manipulated the timeline, events, and characters to fit my story. It does not fall in the same order of the show seasons/episodes. There will be original characters too.
> 
> ***If you are *not* a fan of Wincest then please kindly move on. No need to flame.
> 
> I definitely would love feedback. You may offer constructive criticism or opinion but please be respectful when doing so. Feel free to ask questions.
> 
> This will become a verse. Part 2 is already started.
> 
> Beta'd by non AO3 member.  
> Any spelling, continuity, or grammatical errors are all on me.

All In

~*~ Chapter One ~*~

 

“Behind you!” Dean heard Sam call out, in time to turn with his machete at shoulder height, cleanly severing the vampire’s head from its body. Rolling on the balls of his feet, he turned to bring the knife up to the vampire that was flanking him. Unfortunately, he was a little off in the height, and the weapon just got lodged in its shoulder.

“Shit!” He bit out the curse as he was hit with a very solid punch. Then he was flying across the room, and crashing into an old table. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sam rushing by to save his ass, and forced himself to breathe again.   

He was just pulling himself to his feet, when he heard Sam call out a warning. He managed to turn, just in time to catch the machete that Sam had tossed at him. Grabbing it out of the air he spun, instinctively knowing there was a vampire behind him, and made quick work of ending its existence.

About the same time, he saw the head of the last vampire, taken care of by Sam, roll by his feet.

“Jesus.” He breathed, leaning against the wall.

“Yeah, even in the daytime six vamps may be too much for us.” Sam was also breathing pretty hard.

“Are you kidding Sammy? We rocked that. We’re badass!” Dean smirked at Sam.

“It’s Sam. And you sure showed that table who’s boss.” Sam called over his shoulder.

“Bitch.” Dean followed Sam out of the old warehouse to find a place where they could burn the bodies.

“Jerk. Seriously though, we need to bring more dead man’s blood with us next time, at least slow them down some. We were just lucky today.” Sam pressed as they started bringing the bodies to the burn site.

“Skill Sam, skill. Not luck, skill. But yeah bringing more dead man’s blood is never a bad idea.” Dean agreed.

~**~

Two hours later, covered in blood, soot and something else they couldn’t quite name, Dean was pulling the Impala up in front of their crappy hotel room. It might be cheap, tacky and have unidentifiable stains on the carpet, but it was theirs. It had a working shower, so right now, that made it about the best place on earth.

As Dean pulled the key out of the ignition the brothers looked at each other and then scrambled from the car to the room to see who would get to shower first. Once they had the door open a brief wrestling match ensued. Tripping over one of the table legs they both landed on the floor and continued trying to hold each other down to get to the coveted hot water.

Sam had Dean pinned on his stomach, and as he moved to stand, his crotch slid across Dean’s ass. All at once, Dean felt that telltale heat pool low in his body. **_Oh hell no!_** **_Now?_** Summoning all his extra strength Dean managed to buck Sam off his back. Since Sam had just been starting to stand, he completely lost his balance and was sent sprawling on the floor. As soon as Dean felt Sam’s weight shift, he jumped up and sprinted for the bathroom. He just made it, slamming the door behind him and sliding the lock into place.

“Jerk!” Sam pounded on the door.

Dean didn’t even trust his voice to speak so he just ignored Sam’s banging. He looked down at the hard bulge pressing against the front of his jeans. **_Come on Dean, get it under control. This is your_ brother _goddammit! You are so fucked up_** _._ He pressed the heel of his hand into his crotch to try and relieve some of the pressure straining at his zipper, but it only made it worse. With a groan of frustration, he started the shower. He began peeling his ruined clothes off his body, constantly aware that Sam, the object of his desire, was just on the other side of the door.

Stepping under the spray he realized he was going to have to take care of his little problem before he could go back to the other room. As the sludge and blood was sluicing off his body, he took himself in hand. He bit down hard on his other fist, making sure Sam couldn’t hear him over the sounds of the shower. So he wouldn’t hear Dean jerking off to fantasies of fucking his brother. He was so fucked.

Dean couldn’t remember exactly when he started having these thoughts about his brother. It was just kind of like a slow awakening as Sam got older. It had definitely been a few years now, and it was getting much, much harder to keep it hidden now that it was only the two of them traveling together.

Their Dad had been kind of like a buffer for Dean between him and Sam. That line that had kept Sam just out of arm’s reach. The reminder of how wrong it would be to act on his desires.  Having John there had allowed Dean to live in his brother’s back pocket twenty-four seven and not jump him. But now that their Dad was gone, Dean was having a harder time coming up with reasons to keep his hands off his brother. I mean their lives were pretty messed up as it was. They didn’t really have any relationships, except with Bobby and maybe a few other hunters as acquaintances. But they didn’t have any friends. People around them didn’t stay alive long enough to become friends. So they had Bobby, other hunters, who were all loners by design, and the people they saved. That’s it. And…they had each other. It was almost inevitable that one of them would fall for the other. At least that’s what Dean tried to tell himself.

There was no way he could ever explain all this to Sam though. I mean how could he? Hell, Sam didn’t even know that Dean had been with men. For all intents and purposes Dean basically classified himself as bisexual, with a stronger preference towards men. No one knew though. Dean was _very_ careful to only pick up women when anyone might see him. His escapades with men took place in back alleys and motel rooms that were even skankier than the ones he and Sam stayed in.

It wasn’t that he thought Sam would have a problem with his sexual preferences, he was pretty sure Sam could care less if he was bi or even gay. But he’d had to keep it from his father. There was no way that man would have been ok with it. No way, no how. So Dean had become really good at hiding it, and just hadn’t found the right time to bring up the subject with Sam, now that Dad was gone. He was also a little afraid that Sam would be upset with him for keeping a secret that big from him. He was also concerned that that subject could somehow lead to him accidentally confessing to Sam that he was in love with him. And he _knew_ that that subject would not sit well with Sam.

 It had been over a year since he had picked anyone up, male or female. The last few attempts had been utter failures. He couldn’t follow through because every time he closed his eyes he saw Sam. So not only was he beyond sexually frustrated, he was also living in close quarters with the only person who he _wanted_ to be sexual with. And this explained why the most innocent of touches from Sam had Dean going from zero to hard as nails in seconds. It was a very combustible situation and Dean wasn’t naïve enough to think that someday it wasn’t going to all explode on him. He was just hoping he could get a handle on his feelings before anything got out of control. He also knew he was kidding himself if he truly expected to ever stop feeling this way. But if there was one thing that Dean Winchester was good at, it was being dysfunctional. So he’d ramp up the denial and bury the feelings as deep as he could for as long as he could.

He gathered up his clothes and tossed them in the trashcan in the corner of the room. Some things just weren’t salvageable. He wrapped a towel around his waist and stepped into the room intent on finding some clean clothes and a beer. Not necessarily in that order.

“All yours bitch.”

“Yeah thanks for taking forever, jerk.” Sam was already pulling off his clothes, and tossing them into the trash before he even had the door completely closed. He turned on the shower to find the water only lukewarm.

“Goddammit Dean!” he yelled as he stepped under the spray to try and wash everything off, before the water turned frigid.

Dean had to chuckle to himself. He hadn’t exactly planned to use up all the hot water, but hey, they _were_ brothers, which meant Dean would snatch up any chance he had to irritate Sam.

~*~

By the time Sam was washing the shampoo out of his hair, his teeth were chattering. Dean could be such a dick sometimes. Sam knew Dean would grab any chance he got to irritate him because he did the same thing to Dean. He was pretty sure it was in the “How to Be a Brother” handbook.  Thank god Dean had at least left him a towel though, this time.

Sam felt a smile on his face, as he thought back to that time in Spokane. That time that had started one of the longest and harshest prank wars they’d ever had.  While Sam had been in the shower Dean had quietly packed everything in the room, including the towels, into the Impala. Then he’d driven it around to the other side of the motel.

After an hour of sitting in the room and waiting, Sam had wandered around the building wearing only two hand towels, and a face cloth. Dean had been ready and had gotten a few good photos off before Sam had pulled him out of the car through the window. Unfortunately, that also meant that his makeshift kilt had fallen to pieces. He’d quickly flung the door open, not caring how hard it smacked Dean in the shoulder. Then he’d jumped into the driver’s seat, and driven back around to their room. He’d been able to grab a full bath towel for his trek back inside with his duffle.

A short while later Dean had stumbled back into the room, face still beet red with laughter. It had taken everything Sam had left at that point, not to join in with said laughter. He’d had to admire Dean, it was very well played. Then he’d set to work on devising a way to get back at Dean.

Sam chuckled to himself as he towel-dried his hair. Then he took a few moments to look over his body and take inventory of any new injuries. There were a couple of scratches, and half a dozen new bruises, but nothing to be overly concerned about.

Looking at his reflection in the mirror Sam sighed. He was tired, they needed a vacation. They’d been on cases non-stop since they’d lost their Dad, and Sam really needed a breather. Even Dean hadn’t picked up any women in months, which was a little out of character for him. Actually, now that he thought about it, Dean didn’t seem to even be interested in any women recently. Normally, he could count on Dean to at least point out who he thought was hot, while blatantly flirting with most of them. It was almost as though Dean wasn’t even interested in women at all, which more than worried Sam. They both needed some time off, even just a week or two would be fine.

He’d noticed Dean seemed to be getting a little skittish lately or something. He was more standoffish than usual and seemed to be keeping a distance from Sam. He was probably just tired of it being only the two of them all the time. At least when their Dad was there he had been another voice to talk to, another body in the room. Now it was just the two of them.

Sam wouldn’t trade off hunting with his brother. He was exactly where he felt he needed to be. He was actually surprised by the amount of pain he felt if he even thought about doing anything without his brother. It had always been Sam and Dean against the world, and he would never trade that. They just needed to relax a little and get some of the tension out.

Wrapping the towel around his waist he stepped back into the room. Dean had his back to him, looking for something in his duffle, and he was shirtless. Immediately Sam noticed the rapidly darkening bruise across Dean’s lower back. He quickly stepped up to Dean and ran his fingertips over it.

“Damn, that’s gotta hurt.”

“Jesus!” Dean jumped both from hearing Sam’s voice and the feel of his fingers on his back.

“Yeah it’s pretty tend…” Dean cut off as he turned and saw Sam standing beside him. He was wearing only a towel around his waist, and his chest still glistening with drops of water. Dean was pretty sure he’d just swallowed his tongue. At this point he knew he must be being punished for a past life. He quickly coughed and turned back to his duffle.

If Sam noticed his fumble he didn’t say anything.

Clearing his throat Dean started talking again. “So I called for pizza, should be here any minute. You might want to get dressed before the delivery guy arrives.”

“Oh thank god, I’m starving.” Sam groaned and went looking for some clean clothes.

~*~

 As Dean had predicted there was a knock on the door just as Sam pulled a t-shirt over his head. Dean paid for the pizza and dropped the box on the table. Then he stepped over to the fridge to grab them a couple of beers.

Sam had been watching Dean while he paid for the pizza. Dean still hadn’t put a shirt on and Sam found himself admiring the strong lines and muscles along Dean’s arms and back. He was wearing a pair of faded jeans that hung very low on his hips so when he turned to put the pizza on the table Sam could easily see the sharp jut of his hipbones and the trail of light brown hair that disappeared just below the waistband of his pants. Sucking in a breath Sam blinked and shook his head. Why was he noticing Dean’s body? He saw him every day, it was nothing new. **_Musta hit my head while killing those vamps, or I am way more tired than I thought_**.

Sam quickly sat and reached for a slice of pizza. Apparently, Dean was determined to not wear a shirt this evening. Trying to look anywhere but at Dean’s chest, Sam stuffed his pizza into his mouth like he hadn’t eaten in days.

~*~

Once the pizza box was empty and they’d both downed a couple of beers Sam decided it was time to float the idea of time off to Dean.

“So…Dean…” Sam started and then paused.

Dean look up and raised an eyebrow.

“Ya, ok. I think maybe we need to take a little time off. We’ve been going non-stop for months and I’m really starting to feel worn down.”

“Time off..?” Dean had a confused look on his face.

“Ya. Not anything really long or whatever maybe just like a week or two. We could go back to that cabin we crashed at once, you know the one with the ‘secret’ lake. It was pretty nice and close enough to town to head in to the bar if we wanted.” Sam tried for his best puppy dog eyes.

~*~

 ** _Well hell_**. **_How am I supposed to resist the puppy dog eyes?_** Sam already had him wrapped around his little finger, well, all his fingers actually, but throwing out the puppy dog eyes? Damn, Sam must really want this time off. Dean had to admit he was feeling a little run down himself, especially after his flight into the table earlier. But all those days in a cabin, just him and Sam? And ya, he knew the one Sam meant, he had a few fantasies involving said “secret” lake and Sam.  With nothing to distract him from his thoughts and fantasies, that was going to be a couple of weeks from hell. But Sam was right, the bar was close to town and Dean could at least go play some pool and watch the scenery. Who was he kidding, he was going to say yes. It was a given.

“Ok Sammy. Sure. The cabin. Sounds good. We’ll head out after we get a good night’s sleep.” Dean got up, dragged himself to his bed and then flopped down like he was made of jello.

He had no idea how he was going to pull this off. But he couldn’t say no to Sammy.

Oh god. What if Sam decided to pick someone up at the bar for “relaxation purposes”? It had been a long time since Dean had seen Sam with anyone but Sam was always pretty discrete. But if he had to watch Sam picking up some “no strings” girl he knew a piece of his heart would just break off. Dean groaned quickly pushed that thought down with the rest of the things he didn’t want to think about and rolled till he was face down on the bed and willed himself to fall asleep fast.

~*~

Sam looked at Dean quizzically. He hadn’t sounded too excited about time off, but he had agreed with a lot less badgering than Sam had expected. Dean looked as if he was in his own little world of thought. By the emotions passing over his face Sam could tell that they weren’t good thoughts or a “happy place”. He was just about to ask Dean what was up when Dean groaned and rolled into his pillow. It had been a long day. They were both exhausted. He’d let it go for now and maybe ask Dean during the drive to the cabin.

Sam made sure everything was locked up, used the bathroom then turned out the lights and fell onto his own bed, sleep overtaking him almost immediately.

~*~

When Dean woke up he was still staring face down into his pillow. He rolled over to see that Sam was still asleep. Quietly he made his way to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day.

After he was dressed he pulled on his jacket and stepped out of the room to grab a couple cups of coffee for them while Sam was still sleeping. It also gave Dean a chance to do some thinking while he was alone.

They would be starting the drive to the cabin today. It would take them about a day and a half if they drove at an easy pace. Dean still wasn’t sure if going to the cabin was a good idea, but he couldn’t think of a plausible excuse that Sam would buy not to go. So he’d just have to keep his thoughts under control and keep himself busy somehow. I mean he’d managed to keep these feelings for his brother a secret for years. Why would this be any different? Though it did seem to be getting a lot harder lately. At least partially because their Dad wasn’t there to distract him anymore, but it also seemed as though his feelings were getting stronger. Harder to deny. Which was exactly the opposite of what he wanted. And he was at a loss as to how to handle this new development. All he knew was that he could never tell Sam. Having Sam hate him or look at him with disgust was something he could never handle. No, Sam could never know how fucked up, sick, he was.

Dean opened the door to the room to see Sam sitting on the edge of his bed. His hair was all sleep tousled, eyes still heavy lidded and he was only wearing his boxers. Dean nearly dropped both cups of coffee.

“Oh fuck me…” Dean groaned and when Sam’s head snapped up he realized he had said that out loud.

“Huh?” Sam looked confused.

“Uh. Just about dropped your coffee, that’s all.” Dean covered.

“Coffee? Oh! You went and got coffee.” Sam jumped up and made grabby hands until Dean handed him a cup. He immediately took a sip and moaned. “Oh that is so good. I could just kiss you.” He said as he sank down into one of the chairs at the table.

Dean stood stock still, rooted in place. He was probably in shock. Walking in and seeing Sam looking so gorgeous and mostly naked was one thing. But when Sam had walked over, still mostly naked, to grab a coffee Dean thought he might pass out. But then Sam went and moaned after taking a sip of his coffee and Dean just about came in his pants right there. He could feel how hard he was. He’d been half hard the moment he’d walked in the door and saw Sam but after that moan…damn he could feel his cock twitching.

“Oh god.” He groaned, again.

Just as Sam started to raise his head Dean realized that he’d just said that out loud. Shit! Sam was about to see just how hard he was, and then the questions would come - the ones he couldn’t answer. So Dean did the only thing he could think of in that moment. While taking a step forward, he proceeded “trip” and pour his very hot cup of coffee down his front.

“Jesus Christ!” He yelped when the liquid made contact with his skin. But it did have the desired effect, the instant pain of the scalding coffee caused his hard on to ease enough that it wasn’t immediately noticeable.

“Shit Dean, what the hell?” Sam startled when Dean yelled. “Are you ok dude?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m…I’m just gonna clean up.” Dean stammered, and fled for the bathroom with his duffle.

This was going to be a very long two weeks.

~*~

They’d been driving for about two hours, music on low, when Sam finally broke the silence.

“So Dean, everything ok with you?”

“Yeah, of course Sammy. Why do you ask?” Dean was glad to be driving so he didn’t have to look Sam in the eye.

“It’s Sam, an’ I dunno. You just seem different lately like something is bothering you. You're also a little spazzy.”

“Spazzy?”

“Like this morning. Spilling your coffee all over yourself. That is so not a Dean Winchester move.” Sam giggled a little “And there have been a lot of times you just seem so lost in thought and a little distant. You used to be able to talk to me about everything. And then there’s the girls.” Sam watched Dean give him kind of a sideways glance.

“Girls? What girls?” Dean was genuinely confused by that last statement.

“Exactly Dean. What girls? It’s been months since you’ve even so much as looked at a girl, much less pick one up. I mean it’s been…I dunno, a really long time. Maybe as far back as when we lost Dad. What’s up with that?” Sam had genuine concern in his voice and it was making Dean’s insides twist up.

“I don’t know Sam. I just haven’t found anyone I was interested in I guess. No one’s caught my eye.”

“Seriously, Dean? Come on. This is me you’re talking to here. I know your tastes and what you look for. There have been plenty available for you to choose from. Especially the ones who throw themselves at you, and you just walk away like you didn’t even notice they were there.” Sam was pushing, he knew it, but he was worried about his brother.

“I don’t think you know my tastes all that well Sammy.” Dean replied quietly. Hoping Sam would just drop this questioning but knowing he wouldn’t. Sam was like a dog with a bone if he felt there was something he needed to figure out, especially where Dean was concerned. Dean was pretty sure the secret of his sexuality was about to reach the end of its run.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? I’ve been watching you since puberty hit, Dean. I think I know what your taste in women is. It’s not like you didn’t parade them in front of me and Dad or anything.”

“Mhmm hmmm.” Dean mumbled.

“Dean, come on! I’m being serious here. I’ve been watching you the last couple of months, and it’s almost like you aren’t even attracted to women anymore dude.” Just as Sam ended that sentence he was pretty sure he heard a sharp intake of breath from Dean. He looked over and Dean was still just staring out at the road, but his knuckles were white he was gripping the steering wheel so hard.

Dean was pretty proud of himself, that he hadn’t driven off the road yet. He could feel the panic rising up, and he gripped the wheel even tighter. He knew Sam was just not going to let this go, and he wasn’t sure how to deal with that.

“Dean come on.” Sam lowered his voice some. “It’s me. You know you can talk to me about anything. What’s going on?”

“Nothing. Just leave it Sammy.” Dean managed to grit out between his teeth.

“What? Leave it? Are you serious?” There was a feeling of hurt in the pit of Sam’s stomach that he didn’t like. Did Dean not trust him? “God dammit Dean! What the hell?!” Sam was starting to get angry.

“Sammy…” Sam could hear the warning tone in Dean’s voice, knew he had pushed it just this side of too far, and that he should just stop now, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t help but feel that this was all connected. The lack of women, Dean’s weird moods, his lack of desire to talk about it with Sam. Hell, it was more than a lack of desire. It almost seemed like Dean was afraid to discuss anything with him, and that worried Sam more than pushing Dean over the edge. So he pushed a little more.

“Dean…”

“Sammy.” Sam heard the rough edge in Dean’s voice that indicated he’d reached his limit. It was Sam’s one last chance to stop.

“Jesus Dean! What the hell is going on? You gotta tell me!” he all but spat at Dean.

Pulling the steering wheel sharply and slamming his foot down on the break Dean spun to a stop in the gravel on the side of the road.

“I have to tell you what Sam? What?!” Dean was full on yelling. “What do you want to hear? Do you want to hear how I like guys better than girls and that I always have? You want to hear how I just paraded those girls past you and Dad ‘cause I was too much of a pussy to own up to the truth? How on any one of those nights I would have rather had a cock in my mouth instead of…” Dean clamped his mouth shut and bolted out his door slamming it behind him.

Sam watched Dean stalk away from the car. He was frozen in place. He didn’t have any idea what to say to Dean. Had Dean just come out to him? Was Dean gay? And why had Dean lied to him about it? He didn’t care what Dean’s sexual preference was, it wasn’t like he had room to judge. But it hurt so much that Dean hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him. But then again there were a few things Dean didn’t know about him either so he really couldn’t be all that upset about it. He definitely hadn’t seen this one coming though. So Dean liked to suck cock…damn, that’s just hot. **_Wait…what?!_**

Sam waited a good ten minutes and then stepped out of the car after Dean. He found him about two hundred feet away sitting in the gravel with his head on his knees. Slowly he sat down beside his brother.

“Hey.” Sam bumped his shoulder against Dean’s. “Hey come on, talk to me Dean. It can’t be that bad.” Sam urged, being careful to keep his voice steady and calm. Almost like he was talking to an injured animal he didn’t want to spook. And he guessed that’s really what he was dealing with essentially.

Finally Dean looked up, turning slightly to face his brother. Sam could see what looked like resignation and a few tear tracks on Dean’s face. It made his heart clench that he had brought Dean to frustrated tears. He hadn’t meant for his pushing to go quite this far, he probably could have handled it better. He just hadn’t realized it was such a personal issue that he had been poking at.

“Hey Dean, come on, it’s ok.” Sam carefully slipped his arm over Dean’s shoulders. Dean automatically leaned in to his brother which made Sam breathe a sigh of relief. Dean was still his brother, and they would make this right. “I’m not mad or anything, and I’m sorry I pushed you like that. I just…I had no idea. I was just worried about you. I’m a little hurt that you didn’t feel like you could share that with me, but I’m not mad or upset or anything. Who you’re attracted to doesn’t matter to me at all.” Sam wiped a couple new tears off Dean’s cheek.

“I’m so sorry Sammy. I wanted to tell you, I really did. But by the time I had truly figured it out for myself I had already been ‘parading’ the women by you and Dad.” Dean gave a little snort. “I was worried that you would be angry with me for keeping it from you, and I knew I couldn’t tell Dad. So I just kept things as the status quo. Then when Dad died I didn’t know how to tell you the truth, so I just didn’t say anything at all.” Dean sighed and looked up. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never want to hurt you Sammy.” With another sigh Dean looked down the road, luckily traffic had been pretty quiet.

“Let’s get back in the car and talk there before we manage to get ourselves run over.” Dean knocked his shoulder into Sam.

Sam helped Dean to his feet and they both trudged back to the Impala. Once inside Dean didn’t make any move towards resuming their drive and Sam just sat there in silence for a few minutes.

“So does this mean you’re gay?” Sam asked after a few more minutes of silence.

“I don’t think so.” Dean replied

“You don’t think so?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say I am completely gay, no. I do find some women attractive and have certainly had fun with my fair share. So I’d say I’m more like bi-sexual with a preference towards men. Maybe?” He looked up at Sam with a quizzical look on his face.

“Don’t look at me, stupid. It’s your sexuality.” Sam laughed.

Dean had to laugh at that too.

“But I’ve never seen you with a guy, ever. And we’re basically together twenty-four seven in one-room motel rooms.” Sam was trying to think back, to recall if there had been any signs he may have just overlooked.

“Yeah, I was pretty discrete about it. Obsessively so. I couldn’t let Dad find out.” Dean explained.

“Yeah, Dad…yeah.” Sam kind of just trailed off. His Dad would never have accepted Dean wanting to be with any man. It was his straightforward, old time military thinking, and there was no way he would have budged. He would have made Dean’s life hell if he’d have let on, and that would have made life on the road unbearable. Sam knew that Dean had kept this secret for both of them, and he loved his brother even more for that.

“It must have been so hard…you know, keeping that secret. Not just from Dad. And I get it Dean. I know why you didn’t say anything, I understand and I don’t blame you. You did it for both of us.” Sam’s voice had gotten quieter, and he just stared straight ahead.

Dean had been watching Sam’s face, all the emotions that had passed over it, and now he was looking a little defeated. He could tell there was something else going on here with Sam but instinctively knew that he wasn’t the cause of it. He couldn’t help though, thinking that maybe this topic had brought it to the surface, and he felt bad for that. It was during this contemplation that Dean realized that Sam didn’t seem to have any problems with his sexuality. And Sam even seemed to understand why he hadn’t said anything. How did he end up with such an awesome brother? **_Of course I’m in love with Sam. Who wouldn’t be?_** Dean groaned a little on the inside, couldn’t he just have one day, _just one day_ , without that seeping in and making him uncomfortable?

“So, Sammy…you don’t care? You don’t think there is something wrong with me or anything?” Dean held his breath.

“I think there are a lot of things wrong with you Dean. Your sexual preference isn’t one of them.” Sam snorted in laughter a little as Dean just smirked at him.

“Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

“Seriously though,” Sam started. “Of course I don’t have a problem with it. I’d be pretty hypocritical if I did.” Sam ducked his head with that reply and looked _anywhere_ but at Dean.

 ** _Huh?_** What’s that supposed to mean? Apparently it was Sam’s turn to be cryptic.

“You’d be…what? What are you talking about Sam?” Suddenly a light flipped on in Dean’s brain. “Are you…bi too?” He asked almost incredulously.

“Um. No, I’m not bi.” The blush on Sam’s cheeks rose exponentially, and he wished that it wasn’t daytime so he could hide his face in the shadows of night.

“I don’t get it.” Dean was once again confused. “Come on Sammy, I’m a little slow on the uptake here, give me a little help.”

“I’m not _bi_ Dean.” Sam took a deep breath “I’m gay.” Finally looking up at Dean’s face.

“You’re…wait what? Gay? As in no interest in women whatsoever?” Dean was a little embarrassed at the high note his voice had reached.

“That _is_ what gay means, Dean. I’m not sure how else you want me to explain it. All cock, no tits? Does that work better for your ‘caveman’ brain?” Sam allowed Dean to see his smirk so he’d know he was just messing with him.

“I know what _being gay_ means Sam. Geez. It’s just…well I’ve seen you leave bars numerous times with women. And I can’t think of anything you’ve ever said or done that would remotely indicate that you weren’t completely straight. I mean I know I was hiding too, but at least I also enjoy women, so it wasn’t completely an act. Did you actually sleep with…oh god, I don’t think I want to know that answer.” Dean dropped his forehead to the steering wheel while wracking his brain for missed signs and coming up with nothing.

Sam giggled a little at Dean’s exasperation. Dean felt all the breath in his chest constrict. Sam. Just. Giggled. As if that wasn’t the most endearing thing ever… **_Come on Dean! Get it together, now is_ not _the time! Jesus you are so fucked._**

“That’s right Dean. You’ve seen me _leave_ the bars with women. But that’s all we did, walk out together. There was usually a guy around back waiting for me. Sometimes there would be a seedy motel close by we could go to or sometimes his car. But a lot of the time we just fucked up against the alley wall.” Sam ducked his head sheepishly.

 ** _Fucked up against the… Jesus fucking Christ!_** Dean was now positive that he was being punished for something. Just the thought of Sam being fucked by another man, basically in public? Those images went straight to Dean’s cock. He was grateful that Sam had chosen to hide his face at that moment because it gave him a chance to shift his body slightly, trying to discretely hide the erection that was seriously threatening to burst right through his zipper. Leaning forward he pulled off his jacket and dropped it in his lap. He didn’t care if that looked a little odd to Sam. It was better than Sam seeing how hard that statement had made him. Better than having Sam _see_ how much Dean wanted to be the one pushing Sam up against the wall and fucking him into next week.

“Whoa…” Dean’s mouth was still dry but he knew he needed to say something to let Sam out of his misery. He hadn’t looked back up since his last statement. “That’s uh…well…ok then. Lil’ Sammy Winchester pulling the wool over Dad’s, and mine, _but Dad’s_ eyes so spectacularly. Who woulda thought…?” Dean felt a big proud smile crossing his face. “I guess you do have some skill there Sammy boy. Wish I could say you learned it all from me, but since you fooled me too…”

Sam turned to face Dean a laugh starting low in his throat. “Trust me Dean, I learned a lot of it from you. You taught me well. You always teach me well.” Sam gave Dean’s knee a quick squeeze, and then he was back to laughing again.

Soon they were both laughing so hard that they had tears streaming down their faces.

“Jesus Sam.” Dean panted with his arm around his belly. “We really should have talked about this before. We so could have covered for each other.” Dean was still trying to catch his breath from laughing so hard.

“I know, right? That would have been epic.” Sam was also having trouble catching his breath.

“But no worries, I get why we didn’t.” Dean started. “If Dad had been a little different then maybe but…yeah. Hey, that’s all in the past now.” Dean reached out and squeezed Sam’s shoulder. “No need for covering at all anymore. We can just be ourselves.”

 ** _Yeah right._** Dean said to himself. He was happy they weren’t hiding their sexuality anymore, but he was more than a little worried about what that would mean for him. Watching Sam flirting, leaving in the company of other men. He knew that he was going to be dying a little inside every time that happened. There was also a small nagging worry that now that Sam knew the truth he would expect Dean to pick back up with “the flavor of the week”. And when that doesn’t happen, because Dean just doesn’t want anyone else, Sam is going to be questioning him again. He’s going to want to know what’s wrong, and this time he won’t be able to tell Sam the truth. Sam can never know. Never.

Dean rolled the tension in his shoulders and gave Sam a smirk as the Impala roared to life.

“Cabin bound then?” He said as he steered her back out onto the road.

“Cabin bound.” Sam said with a huge, genuine smile. As he turned to look out the window he felt like a huge weight, one he hadn’t even known was there, lifted from his shoulders.

~*~

They’d stopped at another no name motel for a night, and now it was early evening as the Impala rolled over the long gravel drive that lead away from the road to the isolated cabin. They’d first stayed at this cabin a few years back, it was a “hunter’s shelter”. Which basically meant it was maintained by hunters for hunters. The ownership would trace back to some anonymous numbered company if anyone ever decided to look, and no one really knew who the original owner had been. It was meant to be used when hunters needed a break or to fly under the radar for a while. That was the last time they had stayed here with Dad, after some shape shifters had plastered their faces all over the evening news. That stay had been months. The cabin was great, and the property vast. However, months of being stuck here with only Sam and his Father had nearly driven all three men insane.

There were always non-perishable foods and other supplies here and you were expected to stock it back up upon leaving. The property was primarily wooded, but hidden behind a few rows of trees was everything a hunter needed to keep on his game. There were targets for shooting, a small hut with tools for making your own ammunition, practice dummies for sparring, an obstacle course with workout stations, gallons of holy water, and even some holy oil (though that was harder to come by). There was also everything needed to clean and repair all manner of weapons and an armory, buried about four feet down, for those who’d had to run here empty handed. There were also a few rifles and other weapons hidden throughout the cabin.

A few more rows of trees back and there was a clearing with a small lake. That was Dean’s favorite part about the cabin. He loved swimming, fishing and just sitting quietly beside the water. He could pretend for a short time that he was normal, just on vacation. Back at the cabin there was also a pretty decent library of lore and information left behind by other hunters. Dean wasn’t sure how, but there was always a top of the line laptop with a very strong Wi-Fi signal for research or whatever else you wanted to use it for. Even porn. Especially porn. If that was your thing. Which may be something that would come in handy for Dean over the next couple of weeks.

Around the entire property there were sigils and very strong wards sets up, as well as all over the cabin itself. Nothing and no one was getting in there without them at least knowing the perimeter had been breached. Last time they were here, Dean had even noticed some symbols he had never seen before or had any idea what they did. That was hard to do, since he’d seen so much in the last few years. You know, since there’d been an impending apocalypse and all.

Sam broke the lengthy silence. “Doesn’t look like anyone is here. Not that we should be able to notice from here if they were.”

They had stopped at a small grocery store one town over and picked up supplies. Provided that the cabin had been kept in good repair they should be good for at least two weeks. They would only have to go into town if they wanted to eat out or visit the bar. At least the bar part was likely to happen for at least one of them, but they were set so they weren’t required to leave.

Dean pulled the Impala as close to the front door as possible, making sure they would be heard by anyone inside. They both cautiously got out of the car and carefully but deliberately came up to the front door. Dean decided to knock and they both waited a reasonable time before trying the handle. Finding it locked, Dean took out his copy of the key that had been in Dad’s journal and opened the door.

They took their time checking the main areas, noting that it didn’t seem like anyone had been inside for quite a while. Knowing that not much could get passed the powerful wards, and if there were other hunters there, they would know by now, they didn’t bother checking every room right away. They both knew that there were people who took care of the grounds around the cabin but they didn’t seem to do anything inside. They knew someone did come inside from time to time to make sure all the systems and plumbing were functioning properly, but neither one of them had any idea who that might be. Bobby would probably know, but they doubted he would ever tell them. Unless the information was vital, it was all very need to know.

“I’m going to start hauling in our gear. You wanna check over the kitchen and make sure we aren’t missing anything vital?” Dean called to Sam from the front of the house.

“Ok,” was all Sam called back.

The kitchen was dusty from lack of use but was otherwise in great condition. He checked the cupboards and the pantry, finding all the staples that they had expected to find. He tried the taps, the water sputtered for a couple of seconds and then ran clear and cold. When he checked the tap marked “H” the water heated up a lot faster than he had expected it to. Surveying the rest of the room he noticed there was a small microwave on one corner of the counter along with a fairly new looking coffee maker that had not been there the last time they stayed here.

Just then Dean clambered into the room laden with bags and Sam couldn’t help but burst out laughing.

“They didn’t need to all come in in one haul Dean.”

“This isn’t all of them, there’s more.” Dean panted as he dropped half the bags on the floor.

“Everything checks out in here, all accounted for and functional. There is even a new microwave and coffee maker.” Sam laughed again when he saw Dean’s eyes light up when he said “coffee maker”.

“Yeeah! I’m not going to be subjected to instant coffee. I’m smiling already.” Dean punched Sam in the shoulder on his way back out to the car.

Sam decided to work on the bags that Dean had already brought in. Opening the fridge he put in the single most important item that they had brought with them. Beer.

“It’s still pretty hot out there even though the sun is going down.” Dean dropped the rest of the bags, and a bag with what looked like every weapon they’d had in the trunk, on the floor in front of Sam.

“Dean?” Sam questioned.

“What? When was the last time we were really able to give everything a good solid cleaning and once over? We’ve got the time, and the tools here, not to mention the seclusion.” Dean shrugged.

“We’re supposed to be on vacation, Dean.” Sam pointed out.

“Cleaning weapons relaxes me. And knowing they are all in top working order reduces my stress. Those are the two main points of a vacation, no?” Dean smirked and headed from the front door again.

“You’re not heading out to the bar already are you?” Sam called.

“Relax Sammy. I’m just going to move Baby to the cover, that’s all. Don’t get your panties all in a bunch. I ain’t leaving ya high n’ dry.” Dean tossed over his shoulder while opening the front door.

“It’s Sam!” Sam called back.

 ~*~

After all the gear and supplies were brought in and put away, Dean decided to walk the cabin while Sam immediately sat down with a beer.

The cabin was all on one floor, this made it easier to defend if needed. The front door opened into the main living area that was a pretty good size with a kick ass fireplace. There was also a TV, VHS player, DVD player, a small stereo and Dean’s favorite, an actual record player off to the side.  There was even a small movie and music collection. They didn’t actually have cable but with the Wi-Fi connection, and Sam’s expertise, they would be able to stream anything they decided to watch. It seemed like a lot of technology to find in the rustic old cabin. Pretty much all of it had been brought, and left by hunters over the years, hence the old turn table and VHS player. Hunters rarely ever took vacations but when they did they wanted to have those creature comforts that they gave up on a daily basis for “the life”. So all those things tended to accumulate in these hidden “way stations”.

Off the back of the living room was the decently sized and now well-stocked kitchen. The back corner of the kitchen led to another smaller room that held and old washer and dryer. It also had a large laundry sink, a small cot, a large folding stainless steel table and a small toilet behind a shower curtain in the corner. The large floor to ceiling closet was stocked full of all the medical equipment, supplies, and medications an injured hunter on the run might need. It was obvious to Dean that whoever took care of the utilities for the house must also stock the med closet, as he found not one of the medications was expired. It was also pretty obvious that this person had connections, possibly military, because they had only the “good stuff” pain killers. Dean decided that before they left he would help himself to a few of the supplies and medications as their road cache was getting pretty sad. And it was a lot harder for Dean to acquire some of the more controlled items that were available here. He would “pay” for it by leaving something else of value or even straight cash in the cabin when they decided to move on. That was the way with hunters. If you needed something you took it, and then you replaced it or left something of value for the next hunter in need. Hunters were not a friendly bunch, you’d never see a hunter’s reunion, but they took care of their own. They were brothers in arms after all, just more like small splinter cells as opposed to large platoons. It had to be that way. For everyone to stay under the radar this was the way it had to be.

“The med room here is super stocked Sammy.” Dean said to Sam as he passed through the living room, heading for the small hallway. Sam just tipped his beer in salute and put his head back against the couch.

The first room down the hallway was what they liked to refer to as the “communications room”. It had the laptop, CB equipment, monitors for the well-hidden security cams around the property, weather radios, regular radios, wi-fi router, and another desktop computer that was new. There was also a cupboard stocked with all sizes and kinds of flashlights, battery operated lamps, every kind of candle you could imagine, along with matches, lighters, and lighter fluid.

Next up on the other side of the hall was the large bathroom. It had a fully functioning shower, and if Dean remembered correctly it had great water pressure. There was also a tub beside the toilet, a counter, a mirror, and a large sink. The closet in the hall, next to the bathroom, had towels, pillows, bed linens, and blankets.

Almost right across the hall was the room that he and Sam had shared the last time they were here. There were two bedrooms in the cabin. Both had two double beds in them and were set up very similar to a motel room. A small night stand between the two beds, a small desk on one wall and a chair in the corner. They had spent quite a few good nights up in this room the last time they were here. Lots of midnight talks, time for them to get to know each other again after Sam had been away at Stanford.

They were pretty good memories. It was about that time that Dean had realized he was in love with Sam. The attraction and the want he had been aware of before Sam left. Dean had thought with Sam being away it would just wane, like an infatuation, and he would just move on. But two years after Sam left, Dean opened the door to the motel room he and Dad were staying in, finding Sam on the other side. All the feelings came rushing back. That was when Sam had showed them the footage of the shape shifters. They had high tailed it here until Bobby, and some other hunters, took care of it, and the news blew over. It was lying here in this room, listening to Sam’s voice in the dark, that Dean realized he was hopelessly in love with his brother and that the feelings he’d had before had grown even stronger.

Dean sighed, knowing that they would be sleeping in separate rooms this time since there was no reason to share. He wasn’t sure how he was going to fall asleep without hearing his brother’s breathing beside him. Or not being able to just look over to check on him those times something woke him in the middle of the night. Dean hadn’t thought about it until right now, how much he was not looking forward to sleeping in the room alone.

Dean opened the door to the final room and stopped dead in his tracks.

“What the…hey Sammy? Uh…come here.” He called down the hall. He heard Sam’s big feet trudging down the hall towards him, and felt Sam step into the room.

“Holy crap! Who did all this?”

“I have no idea. But I think we might just be roommates after all for this stay.” Dean looked around the room and finally located the other two beds. They were now just mattresses and pieces stacked against the far wall. Someone had decided to turn the second bedroom into a full on indoor gym.

“Wow. Look at this place.” Sam was a bit awed.

“Never mind who did this, how did they afford all this, and why?” Dean reasoned “It’s not like this place is used all the time.”

“I don’t know. Maybe someone had to use this place over a bunch of months like we had to before, and just decided they didn’t want to live without the equipment.” Sam guessed. “So yeah, I guess we’re still roomies then.” Sam tousled Dean’s hair, because he knew he hated it, and turned back down the hall towards his beer.

Dean headed out to the living room to grab his duffle, and tossed it in, on the bed closest to the door.

~*~

The first few days at the cabin went by fairly quick. Dean had set up all his weapons for cleaning in the weapons hut, where he planned to work on them throughout their time there. They’d walked the obstacle course and exercise stations to make sure everything was still structurally sound in case they decided to use them. Sam had instantly fallen in love with the second bedroom cum weight room and spent most mornings working out. They’d gotten everything in the communications room set up to keep an eye on what was happening while they were away. The water pressure in the shower was to die for, and Dean found himself showering more often than he normally would. Their nights had been spent quietly in the living room taking advantage of the TV and small library. They were also catching up on a lot of the movies they had missed out on seeing.

Now Dean was sitting on the bank of the lake looking out over the mostly calm water. He could see the noon sun reflecting off the surface, making little rainbows appear in the ripples. Everything around him was so quiet and calm and he reveled in it. When you were hunting it just wasn’t possible to sit back and smell the roses, and it was apparently something that Dean had really been needing. He was silently thanking Sam for this idea.

So far most of his worries about being in the cabin alone with Sam hadn’t come to pass. Some only by Dean circumventing them before they had a chance to formulate though. The last couple mornings Sam had asked Dean if he wanted to work out with him in the weight room. As much as Dean enjoyed a good workout, and as much as he was itching to try out the awesome looking equipment, he had turned Sam down. He wasn’t stupid. Putting himself in a room with Sam half naked and covered in sweat? Nope. His dick thought it would be a great idea but his brain had won out, with reason.

Sharing a room had been fine too. Having his brother close enough to make Dean comfortable, while also having cold showers available just across the hall. Dean had definitely been taking more showers than usual, but only a couple had been the frigid type. Good water pressure was something that Dean craved as it was pretty non-existent in cheap motels. So he’d enjoyed his morning showers and often took another before bed just because he could. He’d only had to slip across the hall a couple times, once when he could hear Sam moaning to an obviously very good dream, to douse himself in ice water so he could actually get some sleep. He hoped Sam would just assume his love of water pressure was the reason for all the extra or extended showers. Because the long ones? In those ones, he was definitely letting his fantasies, most of which were about Sam, run wild. He was pretty sure Sam wouldn’t hear his moaning unless he had his ear pressed to the door.

Dean was just about to lay back on the grass when he sensed movement behind him, and froze. His hunter’s instincts snapping him to the ready. Just as he jumped to his feet he felt the crack of something as it whipped against his ass.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

“What the…Jesus Sam! You trying to get yourself killed? What the fuck?” Dean whirled on his brother.

Sam chuckled lightly and punched Dean in the shoulder.

“I thought I’d find you down here. I was finished my work out and thought instead of a shower today I’d head down here for a swim.”

It was then that Dean noticed Sam was shirtless and more than a little sweaty. His voice caught in his throat.

“Goo…” He coughed to clear his throat. “Good idea. But hey, don’t sneak up on a guy like that.” Dean’s smirk was now firmly in place.

“You’re gonna come with right? I know how you love this lake and I don’t think you’ve even been in it yet.” Sam questioned.

“Well, I don’t exactly have swim trunks in my duffle.” Dean knew it was a pretty weak answer. He had to say something though. The truth was he hadn’t gone in because he was afraid that Sam would want to join him, and that that could lead to the awkward situations he was trying to avoid.

“What the hell do you need swim trunks for? It’s not like we haven’t seen each other naked, or gone skinny dipping before. It’s not like there is anyone here to stumble onto us.” Sam was looking straight at Dean. He felt a small tingle in his belly as he thought a little too long about Dean going into the water naked. **_Huh. That’s kind of a weird thing to be focusing on_**. He thought to himself.

 ** _Naked? Oh hell no!_** Dean stood there gaping at Sam. There was NO WAY he was getting in the lake _naked_ with Sam.

“I…uh…” Dean stammered.

“Oh come on Dean. You know I’m just messing with you.” Sam giggled.

There was that giggling again. **_Dammit Sam! Stop being so adorable!_**

“Right. Yeah.” Dean still felt out of breath.

“Come on big brother. We’ll just go in in our boxers. Who needs actual trunks?” Sam reasoned.

Even wearing boxers would likely be too much for Dean but he couldn’t think of any reason to refuse that wouldn’t make Sam suspicious. So he turned his back on Sam and started to remove his clothing as fast as possible. As soon as his jeans cleared his feet he was off running and calling to Sam over his shoulder.

“Last one in and all that crap!” He managed to get out before his body breached the surface of the water and he dove under.

Sam was stunned for a moment at Dean’s sudden rush to the water but quickly got with the program and removed his jeans and shoes. Unlike Dean though, Sam just walked to the water’s edge. All of a sudden Dean popped up a few feet in front of him. He watched as Dean shook his head, spraying water in all directions. His eyes traveled slowly down Dean’s torso, taking in all the little droplets of water as they dripped down his chest. He noticed how broad Dean’s shoulders were, and marveled at all the crisp cuts of his body, muscles that indicate an athletic lifestyle. And then there were his arms, biceps to die for. His flat muscled stomach and that small trail of hair that stopped short because the water came up to Dean’s waist. Sam caught himself wishing he could see below the water’s surface. **_What the hell? Jesus Sam! He’s your goddamned brother. You really need to get in to town and get yourself laid._** Sam was surprised that that idea didn’t sound more appealing. It was Dean’s voice that broke through his thoughts.

“Sam! What the hell? You afraid of a little cold water? This was your damned idea.” Dean said with a little taunting in his voice. “This too much for your sensitive constitution? Can’t handle a little lake water…”

“Oh. Now it’s on!” Sam yelled as he ran and dove beneath the water’s surface.

Dean felt something swipe at his legs underneath the water and all of a sudden he was going down sputtering. He popped up gasping for breath and launched himself towards his brother, making contact with his abdomen and taking Sam back underneath the water with him. He quickly swam out of reach and they both came up to the surface coughing and shaking the water out of their hair.

Dean watched and Sam ran his hands through his hair making the water travel down his shoulders, and over his back. He watched as the rivulets dripped down to just below his waist where the surface of the water was. The water was low enough that he could see the band of Sam’s boxers, low on his hips. As he stared, Sam started to turn around and Dean was faced with looking at Sam straight on. His gaze traveled up from the boxers, along Sam’s six pack abs and his sculpted chest. All broad shoulders, and biceps that would make any man weep. He sucked in a breath when he looked up at Sam’s face, and saw he had his eyes closed, his head tipped up to the sun, to allow the water to drip off his long hair.

Dean was pretty sure he’d died and gone to heaven. That he was looking at an angel, not his brother. And then his mind betrayed him in the worst possible way. All of a sudden he was picturing what Sam’s boxers must look like below the water’s surface. All wet and tight, clinging to every part of Sam. Tight over his hips, thighs and what Dean already knew was a pretty impressive package. Dean felt himself go instantly hard. His hand seemed to move on its own accord beneath the surface, squeezing his cock, looking for some kind of relief.

Dean groaned.

This caused Sam to open his eyes and look at Dean. What he saw there confused him. Dean was looking at him like he wanted to jump him. He was sure that was blatant lust in Dean’s eyes. But that couldn’t be right. Why would Dean be looking at _him_ like that? Convinced Dean must be fucking with him, he started to move forward.

“Dean…”

“No!” Dean practically screamed. “Just…no.” He said a little quieter as he turned his back on his brother and made towards the water’s edge.

“Dean. Hey wait. Dean!” Sam called after his brother.

Dean raised his hand with his palm towards Sam. “Sammy…I can’t.” Was all he said as he snatched up his clothes and practically sprinted towards the cabin.

“What the hell was that?” Sam asked aloud, to no one, while shaking his head. What had gotten into Dean? **_What the hell just happened?_** They were just goofing around in the water and then Dean had just gotten all weird and took off. Had Sam done something to upset his brother? He didn’t think so but who knew with Dean sometimes.

After that exit Sam figured it would be pretty stupid to follow Dean to the cabin. He decided to continue with his swim and go question Dean later. He needed to make sure he hadn’t done anything to upset his brother. However, he knew questioning him right now would only lead to fighting so he dove back under the clear water and tried to enjoy his swim.

~*~

Dean broke through the trees right where the sparring dummies were located. He had been running blindly in the general direction of the cabin just trying to get as far away from Sam as he could. The next time he put his foot down it snagged on the edge of one of the dummies and Dean went crashing to his knees, a loud “Oommf!” coming from his throat.

“Jesus Christ!” he yelled aloud to no one. “What the hell is the matter with me? Am I fifteen?” Dean quickly looked over his shoulder to make sure that his brother hadn’t followed him. Then he sat back on his heels, feeling a little stab of pain. In his haste to get away from Sam he’d neglected to grab his boots, and he could feel that his feet were pretty cut up from running through the trees barefoot. Shifting, he also noticed that, even though he had his shirt with him, he’d apparently dropped his jeans along the way. He could feel his knees digging into the course sand that was around the training dummies, and knew he was going to have skinned knees as well. **_Well you certainly have made a mess of this haven’t you Winchester?_** Dean knew that Sam wasn’t going to just write this off. He knew that he was going to be questioned about it, and soon. Luckily, he’d be able to hide his cut up knees behind his jeans for now but eventually Sam would see.

 ** _What was I thinking?_** But he knew what he’d been thinking. He’d been looking at half naked Sam, fresh off a workout, slightly flushed and dripping with water. Picturing it again had him moaning and reaching for his cock that was showing a renewed interest. Closing his eyes he allowed himself to fall back into the fantasy. Seeing himself licking the beads of water off Sam’s chest, while plunging his hands below the surface over Sam’s hips, and crotch. His hand slipped behind his waist band as he slowly ran it up and down his cock.

“Oh God…” he breathed, and then was snapped out of his “dream” when he heard a twig break, followed by a rustle beside him. He quickly withdrew his hand from his boxers like he had been burned. Then he was very relieved to see it was only a curious squirrel, and not his brother.

 ** _Ok Winchester, off to the shower with you_**. Dean pulled himself up and trudged off towards the cabin. He made a detour into the med room to grab what he’d need to clean up his feet and knees before heading down the hall to the bathroom. He quickly stripped out of his boxers and stepped under the lukewarm spray. He knew this was going to be one of his longer showers as his cock was still half hard and was already thickening up again. Tipping his head back he closed his eyes and let his mind drift back to Sam in the lake. He knew he had to get this under control, he just didn’t have any idea how he was going to do that.

~*~

When Sam finally got back to the cabin it was early evening. After his swim he’d gone on a short hike around the property just enjoying the weather and not having to actually be anywhere. It was a freedom they seldom had so Sam was going to take advantage of whatever time they had here. He knew that Dean would start itching for a hunt soon, he always did. But Sam figured he could probably push at least another week out before Dean started demanding they return to “the family business”.

To Sam, it didn’t really feel like a family business anymore, since he and Dean were the only family left. He knew that Dean felt differently about hunting than he did. Dad had turned Dean into a surrogate father for Sam and an obedient soldier. All before Sam even knew what it was they did. All in the name of revenge for his wife’s murder. If Sam thought his childhood was difficult, and lonely, he knew Dean’s had been worse. Dean had always shielded Sam as much as he could from “the life”, and Sam would always love his brother for that.

Dean had been his biggest advocate when he was trying to break free, and live a somewhat normal life. Dean had wanted that for Sam, and Sam knew that with every fiber of his being. If those shape shifters hadn’t forced Sam back, he’d probably be interning at a law firm right now. And _Dean_ would have been the proud, gloating “father”, not John.

But Sam understood. No one he knew had ever escaped the life of a hunter, except in death. And now, with their Dad gone, there was no way that Sam was going to leave Dean. He couldn’t do that, and if he was honest with himself, he didn’t want to. He wanted to be wherever Dean was, doing whatever Dean was doing. Sam had enjoyed his college years but he had always felt like something was missing. There had been  an ache in his chest that had never seemed to go away. At least not until he’d come back to find Dean and his father.

As soon as Dean had pulled him through that motel door and into his arms, almost painfully, that ache had just up and vanished. And Sam knew right then that he was never going to leave his brothers side again. He just hadn’t put much thought into what that really meant.

Sam glanced around the kitchen but it didn’t look like Dean had been in here. He stepped out into the living room but still no Dean. He listened and all he heard was silence, not even the shower running. He started down the hall to look for his brother. He knew he had to be in the cabin somewhere, or at least on the property. He checked the weight room and then their bedroom and still no Dean. He dropped Dean’s boots, and jeans he’d brought back from the lake, by Dean’s bed and stepped back out into the hall.

Sam was starting to worry a little but kept telling himself that Dean was just fine. He was heading back down the hall to go out and make sure the Impala was still here when he heard a quiet tapping coming from the communications room. He paused at the door for second, he knew it was possible he could be walking in on Dean and his porn, since that was all he used a computer for if they weren’t on a hunt. Shaking his head he pushed the door open, startling Dean and causing him to jump in his chair.

“Jesus Sam! You are seriously trying to kill me today aren’t you?” Dean snarked at him but turned back to the laptop screen.

“Sorry. Dean what…” Sam stopped when he saw what Dean was doing. He knew right away without asking any questions. Dean was searching for a hunt and by the three or four empty beer bottles he could see Dean had been looking most of the afternoon.

Sam felt his heart and stomach both drop at the same time. They hadn’t even been here a week and Dean was already itching to go. He had thought Dean had been enjoying the break as much as he had. He hadn’t even gotten through fixing up all the weapons yet. Sam wasn’t ready to get back on the road yet, but he wasn’t sure what to say to Dean so he just stood there staring at the screen.

Dean felt Sam tense behind him. He’d known Sam would be upset at leaving again so soon but Dean didn’t know what else he could do. He truly wanted to stay here longer, but today at the lake had been too close a call. He couldn’t risk his brother looking at him in disgust and walking away. He could deal with Sam being upset with him for ending their vacation early, but he couldn’t deal with Sam leaving because he’d found out what a sick pervert he was. So the only solution he could come up with was to get back on the road and keep himself distracted.

“So that’s it then?” Sam spat. Then he turned on his heel and right out the door, slamming it hard behind him.

Dean jumped again with the force of the door slamming. He got up and followed Sam.

“What the hell Sam?” Dean called to Sam, finding him in the living room.

“So that’s it? We’re just getting back on the road because that’s what Dean Fucking Winchester wants to do?” Sam narrowed his eyes.

“You knew this was only temporary Sam.” Dean tried to reason.

“Temporary? Dean we haven’t even been here a week!”

“Well there’s lots of action out there right now Sammy.”

“The hell there is. I know you were in there all afternoon, I could tell. I could also tell you’d had to scrape the bottom of the barrel to find anything that even looked remotely like a hunt. I’ve been monitoring activity too you know. So don’t try that bullshit on me!” Sam was getting angrier and stood to face Dean.

“And speaking of bullshit” he continued. “What the hell was up with you at the lake today? Why did you take off like that? What did I do that pissed you off huh?” Dean visibly paled when Sam asked this.

“There was nothing out by the lake. I just wanted to get back to the cabin, you know to check…” Dean was frantically trying to come up with a reasonable answer.

“Bullshit!” Sam yelled in his face. “Bullshit! You took off like a bat out of hell for no fucking reason. I was just trying to have a good time. Hang out with my brother. And then you had to go get all twitchy and take off with no explanation. What the hell is going on with you Dean? This isn’t the first time you’ve gotten all screwy on me lately.” Sam was having trouble getting his mouth to stop.

“Nothing! Nothing is wrong. I just want to get back on the road. That’s all. I haven’t been twitchy, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Dean tried to keep his voice steady but inside he was in full on panic mode.

“Oh fuck you Dean! Just, fuck you!” Sam yelled at him while he stalked over to the side table and snatched up the Impala’s keys. “I’m going out.”

“What? Where are you going?” Dean did not like how high his voice sounded with that last question.

“To the bar.” Sam stepped out and slammed the door behind him.

Dean stood there and stared at the door until he heard the Impala’s engine roar to life. He listened as it pulled away, and then he sank down onto the sofa dejected.

He hadn’t meant to upset his brother. He had just been trying to find a way to make his problem bearable. Then Sam had started asking questions he couldn’t answer, everything had spiraled out of control, and now Sam was angrily heading off to the bar.

Dean hoped he wouldn’t drink too much, and then try to drive but there wasn’t much he could do from here without transportation. However, if he was honest with himself, what he was most worried about was Sam finding someone at the bar to help relieve his stress. Dean had actually thought about that for himself earlier. Thinking, maybe if he just got laid then it wouldn’t be so hard to be around Sam. But he’d known as soon as he considered it that he wouldn’t do it, the idea alone had made him feel a little sick, and now, that’s where Sam was.

Dean had no idea how long he’d been waiting for Sam to come back. He’d known it had still been somewhat light out when Sam had left, and now it was just after midnight. He hadn’t been able to eat. He’d tried watching a movie, and reading a book but was unable to concentrate on either of them. He ended up just sitting there for most of the night.

Figuring Sam wouldn’t be back until the morning, Dean made his way down the hall and curled up on his bed, not even bothering the strip out of his clothes. Sam not coming back tonight could only mean one thing, one thing Dean was trying not to think about. He knew that he had screwed up big time, and it felt awful. He just wanted Sam to come home so he could apologize. Tell him that it was all his fault. That they could stay here as long as Sam wanted. Whatever Sam wanted. Dean lay there, listening for the Impala’s engine but he never heard it, and eventually he did drift off to sleep.

~*~

Dean wasn’t sure what the sound was that had woken him up but he was up and on his feet before his eyes were even fully opened, wishing he had a knife or something in his hand. He looked around quickly but didn’t see anything. The room was bright so that meant it was morning. He glanced over at Sam’s bed and noticed that it hadn’t been slept in but one of the pillows was missing. That’s when he heard the noise again.

 ** _Was that…retching? Yup. That was definitely retching_**. Dean made his way across the hall to the open bathroom door and had to clamp a hand over his mouth so he didn’t bark out a laugh. There was Sam, all six foot four of him, curled around the toilet with his forehead resting on his arm. Beside him was the missing pillow from his bed. Dean figured Sam had been in here since he’d gotten back from the bar. He really hoped he’d found another way home than driving the Impala cause if this was any indication, Sam had been fucking wasted.

Sam had never been great at holding hard liquor. Beer he could drink till the cows came home but the strong stuff just wasn’t for him. They’d found that out when Sam had tried to match Dean drink for drink with whiskey shots a few times over the years. It had almost always ended up with what Dean was witnessing right now.

A low chuckle escaped from Dean and he heard Sam groan.

“How ya doing Sammy?” Dean raised his voice and slapped Sam on the shoulder.

“Jesus Dean, shhhhh…” Sam said without even lifting his head.

“Not feeling too good huh? You know what you need? You need a hangover remedy. You know some big greasy strips of bacon and sausages, lots of eggs and maybe some hair of the dog.” Dean knew as soon as his words had penetrated Sam’s fogged brain because he heard him gag, and then the retching started all over again.

Dean had started to walk down the hall to get the coffee brewing when heard Sam manage to croak out “I hate you.” Which only made Dean laugh even more.

He pressed the button on the coffee maker to start it brewing and then stepped into the back room to find some meds for Sam. It was fun to fuck with him, but he didn’t truly want Sam to be hurting. Even if he had brought this hurt on himself. He grabbed a tall glass of water with the meds, and headed back down the hall. Sam was still in the same position he’d left him in. He put the water and pills on the floor beside Sam, and then ran a washcloth under the cold water. He placed the wet washcloth on the back of Sam’s neck, and heard him sigh with a little relief. He sat down beside Sam and brushed some of his hair out of his eyes.

“Hey. You ok?” Dean made sure to keep his voice low this time.

“Um…I don’t know?” Came the croaked reply from Sam who still wouldn’t turn to look at him.

“You think you can drink some water?”

“Uhhh….” Sam lifted his head slightly, and looked up at Dean. As soon as he did the room blurred, and started spinning. His stomach rolled, and he quickly placed his head back down on his arm. “Nope. Definitely nope.” He managed speak through clenched teeth.

“Alright, we’ll wait then.” Dean rewet the washcloth and placed it back on Sam’s neck. Then he sat down with his back against the wall to wait this out with Sam.

~*~

It was a good four hours before Sam felt anywhere close to safe leaving the bathroom. Earlier he had managed to move a few feet from the toilet so that Dean didn’t have to go outside to relieve himself. It had been a tense few minutes, spent entirely with his hand over his mouth while the room spun and wobbled. Dean hadn’t even flushed before Sam was pushing him out of the way as his stomach made another valiant attempt to climb out his throat. He did feel kind of dumb though when Dean had asked why hadn’t just used the bathtub since he was already leaning against it.

Dean had stayed with him the whole time. After his initial teasing first thing that morning, which Sam fully admitted he deserved, Dean had been a godsend, going above and beyond all brotherly duties. He’d sat beside Sam on the floor placing cold cloths on his neck, wiping the sweat and vomit from his face, gently rubbing slow circles on his back or his stomach to help ease the muscle spasms, and after managing to rinse out Sam’s long hair he’d somehow found an elastic to tie it back with.  

He’d kept pushing Sam to drink some water or Gatorade and take some meds. Sam would try every time, only to have Dean feel like a complete asshole when Sam threw them right back up. The few times that Sam was able to lie down and doze a little Dean was right there behind him with his arm around Sam’s chest. It was necessary spooning, because by this point Sam was too drained to pull himself up, remain upright and aim for the toilet, or even piss by himself. So, without Dean fully supporting him he’d have been lying on the floor in a pool of his own vomit and piss.

He’ll admit, as a grown man, needing Dean to help him do something as simple as taking a piss was somewhat embarrassing, but least he had still been able to hold his own dick. Sort of. Okay, he didn’t do a very good job of holding his own dick, and he got more piss on the floor than in the toilet. But Dean didn’t say a thing. Somehow, he knew that actually holding Sam’s dick for him would have stripped away the last shred of dignity he felt he had left. So, when Sam was done, Dean would sit him on the floor, propped up against the tub. He gave stern instructions to “use the damn tub this time if you need to hurl”. Then he cleaned the floor of all the stray piss, and other fluids, before pulling Sam back so he could continue to worship at the porcelain altar. 

He couldn’t even describe what he was feeling for Dean right now. He had treated Dean like shit last night, and here he was cleaning up Sam, and his piss, without one complaint. He didn’t even read him the riot act. Who does that? No one, that’s who. No one but his brother, his awesome brother, who never let Sam down, not when it counted.

Sam was pretty sure he had never been this sick in his entire life. He was pretty sure he had never even _seen_ someone this sick in his entire life, and he had seen some of Dean’s worst hangovers when he was younger. In all honesty, he probably should have gone to the ER. He was inclined to agree with Dean when he heard his brother mumble something about alcohol poisoning under his breath. But with their lifestyle they avoided ERs whenever possible, especially here, where they were trying to keep a very low profile.

Dean was now holding him up at the sink so he could attempt to brush his teeth. After he basically failed at teeth brushing, Dean sat him against the edge of the tub. He stripped off his sweat and vomit soaked clothes, including his boxers, but Sam was too far gone to really care. Besides, they’d seen each other completely naked more times than could be counted over the years, so it really wasn’t a big deal. Dean also wiped down his whole body with a warm wet cloth, which caused Sam to shiver pleasantly despite how wrecked he was feeling. Sam appreciated it too much for it to feel weird.

Then suddenly he was upright while Dean practically carried him to the bedroom where he helped him redress in a clean t-shirt and sleep pants. Dean settled him in his own bed, the one closest to the door, just in case. Then he offered Sam the pills and water again. He took them, with a bit more hope that they’d stay down.

“Jesus Sam. What the hell were you drinking last night?” Dean asked from the side of the bed where he’d sat down.

“Uh…a few…maybe six or seven beers to start but then um, whiskey? Maybe some scotch or bourbon? Honestly?  I’m really not sure.” Sam felt his face heat up with embarrassment.

“You gotta be more careful than that dude. Please tell me you didn’t drive Baby home. Cause if you did I’m gonna have to punch you when you feel better.”

“Of course not!” Sam exclaimed. Even that drunk he’d known how much shit he would have been in if he’d even tried to drive Dean’s Baby. “I think I hitched.” Sam ducked his head again and waited for Dean to yell.

“You _think_ you hitched? You seriously _hitched_ when you were that out of it drunk?! That’s almost as bad Sam! What were you thinking?” Dean felt his voice raise, and he had to reign himself back in.

“Clearly not a lot of coherent thought took place last night.” Sam sighed and dropped his head down to the pillow, closing his eyes. “I’m sorry Dean. I know it was stupid. I was just so angry, and I just wanted to stop feeling for a little while.”

Dean sighed, “I know Sam. I’m sorry, I’m the one who should be apologizing. I shouldn’t have argued with you like that and I should have spoken to you before just going and looking for a hunt and assuming you would just follow me blindly.” Dean brushed Sam’s hair off his forehead before he could stop himself.

“It’s ok Dean. I overreacted too. I just wasn’t ready to leave yet…”

“We don’t have to leave Sam. We can stay as long as you need. It’s ok. I’m ok.” Dean caught himself just before he leaned down and kissed Sam on the forehead. **_What the hell? Jesus! I’m turning into a sappy girl._**

Sam narrowed his eyes a little. For a second there it had looked like Dean was leaning in to kiss his forehead. And why had his heart started beating faster from that? Then Dean’s words sunk in.

“We can stay? Really?” Sam could barely keep his eyes open.

“Yeah Sam, we can stay. As long as you promise me there will be no repeat of last night’s binge.”

“God yeah. I can promise that.” Sam nodded carefully.

“You sleep now. I’m gonna go grab Baby, and we’ll see how you feel around dinner time.” Dean stood to go.

“Uh…Dean…” Sam started.

“Yeah?” Dean turned back from the door.

“Thank you man. For…for everything. You didn’t have to take care of me like that, it was beyond…”

“Of course I did Sammy.” Dean interrupted, “You’re my baby brother, it’s my job to take care of you. It’s also my job to rib you about this endlessly, but don’t worry, I’ll wait until you can at least keep food down before I start the torture.” Dean smirked and winked, turning once again to leave.

“Oh hey…uh…Dean?” Sam voice took on an embarrassed edge. He waited till Dean turned back into the room.

“Could you um…maybe leave the trash can a little closer? You know…ah…just in case?” Sam closed his eyes and felt his cheeks heat again. He was definitely never going to drink that much again. This was easily the worst hangover he’d ever had, even worse than when he first discovered whiskey at age 15. The only problem with making sure he didn’t drink that much again, was that he couldn’t remember just how much he’d had to drink. He knew there were at least six beers, beer he was good with. Then he had started on the “good stuff”. He seemed to remember there was someone drinking with him but he couldn’t fully grasp the memory. He pretty much can’t remember anything after his second scotch…or was it bourbon?

Dean chuckled softly. “Yeah Sammy. Sure.” He moved the trash can to the side of the bed, made sure Sam had enough water and Gatorade, then left the room quietly.

~*~

As Dean started up the road he was glad it wasn’t overly warm today so the walk wouldn’t be too bad. The weather was still nice, but he was happy he wouldn’t be drenched in sweat before even reaching the main road, as he wasn’t sure exactly how far he was going to have to walk. It all depended on how much traffic there was, and if anyone was willing to give him a lift to the bar.

He’d only been walking about five minutes when he’d had to quickly side step a mess on the side of the road that had him chuckling to himself. Apparently, Sam hadn’t even made it into the cabin before his stomach had decided to reject all the alcohol he had ingested.

“Jesus Sammy, how much did you drink?” Dean muttered to himself. It must have been quite a bit because this was the worst hangover he’d ever seen Sam have. Scratch that, it was the worst hangover he’d ever seen _anyone_ have, and that was saying a lot. He hadn’t been kidding when he’d been grumbling about alcohol poisoning earlier. He knows he’s never seen Sam this sick, with anything, before. How did he even manage to hitchhike in his condition? Oh god, hopefully he didn’t puke in some good Samaritans car.

He’d had to step around a couple more spots along the road, where Sam had obviously fallen to his knees. Dean had begun to worry, and then feel like he was the biggest piece of shit on the planet. Sam had gone out on a serious drinking binge, and it had been because of a fight with Dean. All because he couldn’t get his shit together, and wanted to end their “vacation” before Sam was ready.

He knew that things had been rough for Sam. It’s not like Sam and his Dad had ever really gotten along all that well, but Sam certainly hadn’t wished him dead. He knew that now that his Dad was gone Sam still felt guilty over some of the things he’d said in their last few fights.  He imagined it had also been really difficult for Sam to leave school. It was something that he’d always wanted, and he had worked so hard for it. Then only to be pulled back into the life by some crazy shape shifters with a grudge against their family.

Dean would never tell Sam how happy he’d been to see him on the other side of the motel room door that night. Life without Sam had been monotonous. Everything had lost its spark. There had been no thrill to the hunt, no high when he’d made an impressive haul hustling pool, no heat behind his arguments with his Dad, no one had seemed worth spending the night with, it had all been just… nothing. He had just been existing without Sam. So when he’d opened the door to find him standing there it had felt almost like a new lease on life. He had also been scared shitless that when the shape shifter thing had been taken care of that Sam was going to head right back to school. But he hadn’t, and Dean wasn’t sure why, he’d been too scared to ask. And now he was kind of worried that Sam had only stayed because Dad was gone.

Dean had also been running them pretty ragged with hunts. Giving them almost no down time in between, which he knew was stupid. At first it had been a way to keep his mind off losing his Dad, and he’s pretty sure Sam felt the same on that front. But then it had turned into a way for Dean to avoid dealing with his feelings for Sam. A way to keep running. Sam had to have been really run down to even ask Dean for a break, and Dean knew it. He also knew he’d been getting a little drained as well and that a break had been a good idea. Then he had to go and try to pull them back into a hunt when they hadn’t even had a full week off yet, just because he was a freaking coward who couldn’t stow his crap. No wonder Sam had been pissed at him.

Dean finally reached the main road, and started watching for cars traveling in his direction. He had checked Sam’s jeans from the night before, and he hadn’t found his keys. He had a spare but he was really hoping the main set had been confiscated by the bartender. He wasn’t really comfortable with a set of keys to that car, and its trunk, just floating around.

Another fifteen minutes of walking and then fifteen more driving, thankfully someone had picked him up, and Dean was finally walking through the front door of The Sideways Cow. **_Who the hell thought that name up?_** Dean had had the same thought the last time they had been out here. Seeing as it was the only watering hole in the area, they opened their doors at noon, something Dean was very grateful for. He figured all that walking had earned him a cold beer or two.

The inside was your standard looking small town bar. Bar stools, some tables, a jukebox, couple pool tables and some dart boards. Nothing fancy, just like Dean liked it. Dean’s hunter instincts had him unconsciously checking out the exits and the patrons. There were only a few people in the bar this early and they all looked fairly harmless. Dean smiled at the bartender as he took a stool at the bar.

“What can I get ya?”

“Whatever you got on tap.” Dean watched as the barkeep poured his “whatever is on tap” beer and brought it back. He was the kind of bartender that you’d expect to see in a place like this. Not too tall, kind of round and bald, but he had a look in his eye that told you he didn’t miss anything that was going on in his bar. Dean would bet good money that he’d find a bat, and a shot gun underneath the counter as well.

“Ain’t seen you around here before. You lost?” the bartender questioned.

“Nah. Just visiting some friends close by is all. I think you probably met one of them last night, and took his car keys. Real tall, shaggy hair…”

“Ah yes, so he belongs to you does he? I’m Gary by the way.” the barkeep turned to the bowl behind him to dig out Dean’s keys.

“I wouldn’t exactly say he belongs to me but we _are_ traveling together. Why? He cause you any trouble? I know he was pretty plastered when he left. Anything I need to settle up for?” It would be just great if Sam had been too out of it to settle up his tab before leaving. Dean had purposely avoided giving Gary his name and wasn’t sure what name Sam had used when he’d arrived.

“Nah, no more trouble than anyone else ever does. Seemed mighty pissed off when he arrived, and started knocking back beers pretty steady. He was doing fine though until Eric started buying him shots. Then he was kind of out of his league you could say. He had already paid for his beers before Eric started buying, so we’re good.” Gary was wiping down the counter while they spoke.

“Oh?” Was all Dean could get out as he was trying not to choke on his beer. He was already a little concerned that Sam had been drinking with anyone, much less doing shots with some guy named Eric. **_Geez dude. Jealous much?_** He definitely wanted to know more about this Eric guy, especially since Sam had been so drunk. He was pretty sure that Sam wouldn’t blurt out anything about what they do, even as drunk as he was, but it was always good to cover all your bases. But if he was honest with himself, he really just wanted more details on what Sam was doing with this Eric guy.

“Is Eric not a good guy to do shots with?” Dean had regained some of his composure.

“Nah, Eric’s harmless. Well, he’s a hell of a flirt when he gets the chance but he’s a pretty good guy. But it’s hard to keep up with Eric if you can’t drink with the best of them. And no offense guy, but your friend? He can’t drink with the best of them. Don’t worry though I had Rick give him a ride wherever he was going when he was ready to leave.” Gary looked a little sorry for him.

“Yeah, tell me about it. You didn’t have to pick him up off the floor this morning. And thanks for making sure he got out of here safely.” Dean was trying to think of a way to get more information about this Eric guy without tipping off that he was jealous.

“Eh. He seemed like a good kid, I’d already taken his keys and I know there’s not much within walking distance here. Rick didn’t mind. Being my business partner he’s kind of used to it.” Gary moved down the bar to serve someone who had just walked in.

Well at least he knew the guy that had given Sam a lift was, from what he could tell, trustworthy. Although he was still concerned about what Sam and Eric had been doing and had his questions ready when Gary came back down to his end of the bar to refill his beer.

“So help a guy out here. You got any stories about my friend? We’re gonna want to rib him as much as possible when he finally stumbles out of bed.” Dean gave his best conspiratorial smirk.

“Hmmm. Well his attempts at playing pool and darts were well, let’s just say that they were amusing. I don’t think one of his darts even hit the dart board and several people had to dash out of the way of his wildly arcing pool cue. At one point the cue ball left the table and almost made it all the way over here to the bar.” Gary was laughing now.

“Oh shit. Geez I’m sorry about that. Sounds like he was kind of a menace. ” Dean was trying to hold his laughter in. Sam was a very good dart and pool player, he had to be for them to succeed at hustling, so obviously copious amount of whiskey was his kryptonite.

“Don’t be.” Gary was laughing while he spoke and Dean had to join in with the laughter by this point, “It’s the most exciting entertainment we’ve had around here in a long time. I got to tell you though, I really didn’t expect him to fall victim to Eric’s endless flirting. Didn’t think he was Eric’s ‘type’, if you know what I mean.” Gary made sure to use air quotes when saying the word type.

Dean’s head snapped up to Gary, his laughter dying instantly. He must have had a surprised look on his face because Gary just barked out some more laughter.

“Eric was flirting with him?” Dean asked a little too fast, his voice an octave higher.

“Oh yeah.” Gary slapped the bar, laughing harder. “Eric flirts with every good looking guy who walks in here, he’s rarely very successful though. More from lack of interest than from lack of trying. We just don’t get very many of his ‘type’ around here is all.” There were those air quotes again. Then Gary leaned in close to Dean and whispered. “But hey, I don’t judge. Rick, my ‘business partner’, is really just my actual partner but we tend to keep it quiet as some of the locals can be pretty backwards for the times. Don’t worry though, your friend is always safe here.” Gary winked at Dean and then straightened.

Dean stared at Gary a moment, trying to process everything he had said, and wrap his head around it. Dean had read Gary as a decent guy, and he was, he just hadn’t read “gay” in the man. But his curiosity about Sam falling victim to Eric’s charms was really his top priority now.

“What did you mean he ‘fell victim to Eric’s flirting’?” Dean asked trying to sound somewhat disinterested.

“Oh, well…” Gary looked around to make sure no one else was listening. “After the epic failure at playing pool he and Eric disappeared out back for about forty minutes. When they came back into the bar they were both red faced from exertion and their clothes were more than a little rumpled. They sat down for a couple more drinks. That’s when I figured your boy had had way more than enough and I got Rick to step in and give him a ride wherever he wanted to go. And he went pretty easily. We told him we’d hang on to the keys and make sure his car was ok. We also told him to call the bar when he was sober and Rick could pick him up to get the car. However, I don’t think he was retaining anything at that point. And to be honest, after that much alcohol, I really wasn’t expecting him to be able to return today. But I guess he didn’t have to cause he’s got you. And since I imagine you had to hitch or walk a long way to get here you guys must be pretty damn good… _friends_.” Gary tilted his head slightly when he emphasized the word “friends” but, luckily for Dean, Gary had to head back down the bar to refill some beers so he didn’t have to come up with a response.

Dean had a few moments to digest what Gary had just said and to then school his features so he looked calm. Inside though, he was anything but calm. Sam had “disappeared out back” for forty minutes with this Eric character? The words from their talk the other day came flooding back to Dean, “Sometimes there would be a seedy motel close by we could go to or sometimes his car but a lot of the time we just fucked up against the alley wall”. Dean knew for sure there were no motels nearby, and God help Sam if he had soiled Baby in that way. **_Dear God,_ please _not Baby, I’ll kill him!_** But Sam knew that. Oh please let Sam have been able to remember that. So that left the wall out back, and since they were out there for some forty minutes then Dean figured that was where the dirty deed took place.

Dean wasn’t sure whether to be proud that his brother, even in his toxically inebriated state, still managed to get himself laid or to punch his hand through the bar cause maybe his heart had just broken a little bit more.

He did neither of those. Instead he stoically finished his beer and politely paid Gary, leaving him a significant tip, and thanking him for looking after Sam. Business in the bar had picked up so Gary was too distracted to notice Dean’s quick departure as anything more than a guy needing to get back to whatever he’d been doing before arriving at the bar.

With his head still spinning Dean slid behind the wheel. He quickly looked around and felt a small amount of relief that Baby didn’t seem to have been violated. He lovingly rubbed the dash and apologized for her having been left there overnight. Yes. He had a weird relationship with his car ok? Deal with it. She was, however, the only thing in Dean’s life that had never let him down and there was a lot to be said for that.

Within a few minutes he was peeling out of the parking lot, and back onto the main road. He drove for a few miles with Gary’s words still on his mind. Soon he found his vision was blurring and he swiped at his eyes angrily. **_Come ON! He was never really yours anyway. Pull it together and get over it._** He yelled in his head. He was angrier with himself, more than anyone, as it was the fight he’d forced with Sam that had sent his brother into another man’s arms. It’s not like it would ever be in the cards for him anyways. Dean slammed his hand down on the steering wheel as Baby skidded to a stop on the side of the road.

“Sonovabitch!” He yelled to no one in particular, then dropped his forehead to the steering wheel.

~*~

Sam startled awake to the sounds of gunfire, his hand instinctually going for the gun he normally kept under his pillow, coming up empty handed. It was quiet enough that Sam knew the gunfire was not happening in the cabin. By the time he’d made it to the back door he’d noticed there was a pattern to the shots, and realized without going further that it was Dean at the practice targets.

Groaning he leaned his forehead against the back door. Thankfully the room wasn’t spinning anymore but he still had a pretty bad headache, and his stomach was still somewhat queasy. Slowly he made his way to the bathroom to relieve himself and then splash some cold water on his face. Deciding that a shower would probably do a lot to help him feel human again he turned on the water and started undressing.

Sam sighed as he stepped under the spray, the water feeling good on his tense muscles. **_Goddamnit, how much did I actually drink last night?_** The fact that he didn’t know that answer concerned him. He took his time washing his body and hair and then decided to stay under the spray just a little longer since it felt so good. As he felt some of the tension leaving his body he tried really hard to remember the events of the night before.

He easily remembered arriving at the bar. Still fuming from his fight with Dean, and a little confused as to why he was as angry as he was. He was usually pretty good at controlling his temper with Dean. Maybe it was because Dean had been acting so weird around him lately that there was just an unusual strain between them.

He was really going to have to thank Dean for helping him so much this morning after he’d acted like such an asshole the night before. He didn’t agree with getting back on the road right away but there had been no reason for him to lose his shit like he had. He should have at least tried to discuss it maturely before storming off to a bar, getting blitzed, and having his brother hold his head over the toilet all morning. He also owed Dean a huge apology for making him have to basically hitch all the way back to the bar to pick up the Impala. **_Ugh! I am such a screw up._**

Sam scrubbed his hand down his face. Wait. A memory of someone telling him to call the bar and they’d send someone out to pick him up to go get his car suddenly surfaced. **_Oh for Christ’s sake!_** Why was he remembering this only now? _After_ Dean had already gone to get the car. He was so getting his ass kicked for this stunt. What the hell else wasn’t he remembering?

Sam stepped out of the shower and dried off. He brushed his teeth again since it tasted like something had crawled in his mouth and died and then went back across the hall to put on some jeans and a t-shirt. After he was dressed he headed to the kitchen to get the cup of coffee he’d been craving since he’d woken up. On the counter in front of the coffee maker was a glass of water, a couple of pills and a note.

**Take these, they’ll help. Drink all the water, it’ll help. Coffee made and still warm.**

Sam did as the note said, wondering why Dean was being so nice to him. If the situation was reversed he’d be pretty pissed off. He’d gotten himself in this mess and Dean had had to clean it up. Looking at the clock he saw it was almost five and realized that he’d slept the entire day. He could still hear Dean firing his guns and expected he’d probably be out there a little while longer. Taking his coffee Sam went to throw in a stupid movie to pass a couple of hours until it was time for him to cook dinner. And it would be him cooking dinner, Dean had done enough for him today already.

About thirty minutes into the movie Sam realized he didn’t really have any idea what was going on. He hadn’t really been paying attention, it was just acting as background sound right now. He’d been rolling over the previous night’s events trying to remember what he’d done to get so plastered.

He remembered having a few beers when he’d arrived at the bar and then some guy, he’s pretty sure his name was…Erin, no…Rick, no…Eric, yeah, it was Eric, came over and asked to buy him a shot. He was a decent looking guy, he’d kind of reminded him of Dean actually, and he seemed friendly enough. Besides what could one shot hurt?

It had been so long since he’d had any kind of normal interaction that he’d welcomed Eric’s company. I mean the guy was pretty blatantly flirting but Sam was enjoying the conversation, Eric made him laugh, and he was kind of flattered so he’d just brushed it off. Eric had kept the shots coming and that’s when things started getting a little blurry.

He seemed to recall trying to play darts and pool but in his inebriated state he was more of a danger to the other customers than anything else. He and Eric had sat down again, still drinking, and Sam could remember staring at Eric while he was talking and swearing it was his brother in front of him. They had the same haircut and were about the same height. They both had green eyes though Dean’s were a lot brighter, more emerald green. They both had a bit of scruff like they hadn’t shaved in a day or two and they both had pretty full lips. **_Lips? Huh?_**

It was after that, that Eric had suggested they step outside for some air, and Sam hadn’t seen any reason not to. They both stumbled out the door, well he stumbled, and Eric made sure he didn’t fall. The next thing he remembered was leaning against the wall and looking up at the sky.

Just then he heard a pretty lustful moan and when he looked at the TV there was a pretty steamy sex scene happening. He chuckled. **_Well at least someone is getting…OH. MY. GOD!_**

In his mind Sam clearly saw Eric lean in and slant his mouth over his. Then they were kissing fairly frantically. Sam shoved his hands under Eric’s shirt and all he could think was that Dean’s chest was much broader and his muscles were so much more defined than Eric’s were. **_Why am I comparing Eric to my brother?_** Then he lost his train of thought when he felt Eric’s tongue on the shell of his ear.

Sam’s heart was pounding in his ears and all Sam could hear was their panting breath and moans. Somehow time jumped ahead and Eric’s pants were open and Sam was stuffing his hand inside to grab onto Eric’s cock. **_Dean is definitely bigger than this. What the hell? Why am I thinking about Dean now? And, more importantly, why am I thinking about Dean’s cock?_** And then his train of thought was lost again as he felt Eric coming over his hand. Then Eric was attacking his mouth again and Sam’s hips were bucking forward of their own accord.

“Calm down Sam, I’ll take care of you.” And then Eric was on his knees, pulling Sam’s pants open. Sam threw his head back against the wall and groaned. It had been so long since he had done anything with anyone and this felt so good. He knew he wasn’t going to last long. And Eric had a pretty nice mouth, not as nice as Dean’s but it was pretty good. **_Dean again? What the hell Winchester?_**

All too soon Sam felt that telltale heat pooling deep in his belly. He ran his fingers through Dean’s…NO Eric’s! short hair and grabbed on with one hand, the other hand sliding down to Eric’s shoulder.

“Oh God…that’s it…oh don’t stop…nugth…so close…gonna…” and then Sam was exploding down Eric’s throat while calling out, “Dean!”

“Oh my God.” He groaned, and then he realized he’d gotten hard from the memory. He pressed the heel of his hand against his crotch and willed himself to calm down. He wasn’t sure if it was just the memory of the sex that had gotten him hard or the fact that he’d been thinking about it being Dean. And that was something he just didn’t want to dissect right now. He’d had what was virtually anonymous sex and he’d screamed out his brother’s name when he’d climaxed. What was wrong with him? Why was he, apparently, lusting after his brother? _His brother!_ He was definitely going to hell.

Sam covered his face with his hands, he felt like he was going to be sick again.

 

~*~

A couple of hours later Sam had managed to pull himself together. He wasn’t sure why he had this thing with his brother going on but he was trying to keep his mind off of it. The gunfire had stopped about an hour ago. Dean hadn’t come in yet so Sam figured he was going to clean his gun before coming back to the cabin. Dean was pretty anal about cleaning the weapons. Although, Sam really couldn’t fault him for it because in their line of work, a gun jamming was pretty much a death sentence.

Sam had been working on making dinner. He’d already made a salad, some spaghetti sauce, and had just started on the pasta. Hopefully Dean would be in soon and they could eat. Granted, Sam would be eating much less than his usual amount that’s for sure. He wasn’t quite sure what his stomach was up for yet.

It was going to be hard for Sam not to be awkward around Dean but he was determined not to show it. He knew that Dean was probably going to lay into him about everything. He felt he deserved it though, so he’d do his best to answer any questions Dean had. Or he’d just let him yell at him, and kick his ass if that’s what Dean wanted.

“Holy crap I’m starving! What smells so good?” Dean called coming in the back door.

“Just spaghetti. Nothing special.”

“Awww Sammy, you cooked, how sweet.” Dean drawled at him.

“Well we do have to eat and I kind of owe you after last night…and this morning…and you having to go pick up Baby so it’s the least I could do.” Sam shrugged.

“Don’t worry about all that Sam. It happens.”

“No Dean, seriously. I’m really sorry…”

“Seriously Sam, it’s all good. We fought, you got drunk, no big deal. You’re my brother, it’s all good.” Dean waved a hand in Sam’s direction. “I’m gonna grab a quick shower to wash off this grime. Be back in a few.” And then Dean was out of the room so fast Sam’s head was spinning.

~*~

Dean walked down the hall as fast as he could, and then leaned back against the bathroom door once he got there. This was going to be so hard. Being around Sam. He had so many conflicting feelings. First of all, he was in love with his brother, that hadn’t changed. As well, he felt really bad about his part in the fight last night, he was annoyed that Sam had gotten so drunk that it had threatened his safety, and he was steaming mad about whatever Sam had done with that Eric guy. There wasn’t much he could do about any of that though.

He quickly stepped under the shower spray wishing he could just wash all those feelings away. He’d been outside target shooting since he’d gotten back from picking up the Impala. He’d done a lot of thinking and he’d decided that he just had to lock all these feelings away if they were going to survive. Sam had a right to live his own life without Dean meddling in it. If he wanted to go out, get drunk, and fuck random people, well it was his life and he could. He wasn’t in a relationship with Sam, he was his brother. So he had to get over these feelings once and for all. He had to move on. Losing his brother completely just wasn’t worth it.

So, new leaf then. Bury it all, be a brother.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean had been beating on the sparring dummy for just over an hour now. It had been three days since Sam’s drinking binge and Dean had managed to avoid any discussions about it since the day after. Sam had tried to bring it up a few times, mostly just to apologize it seemed, but Dean just shut him down every time saying it was just a thing that happened. No big deal. And eventually Sam just gave up.

There hadn’t been any close calls in the last few days but Dean had been doing his best to avoid being in situations where they may have to touch each other. Hence the reason he was practicing on the dummy and not with his brother. He avoided the weight room like the plague and had gotten pretty good at timing his swims in the lake to end just before Sam got there or just as Sam was getting out.

Dean had pretty much gone into “boot camp” mode. He woke up before dawn every morning, grabbed his coffee, a protein bar, and headed down to the lake for a swim. Then he’d run the obstacle course and use the work out stations. After that he’d take another dip or shower and change out of his workout clothes. By that time Sam was usually in the weight room doing his work out so he had the bedroom to himself. It was usually midday by this point so he’d make a decent meal and Sam would join him if he was finished his workout. They mostly ate in silence but it wasn’t uncomfortable, or they’d discuss unimportant things like whether Dean was going to try fishing any time soon.

The first part of the afternoon he spent cleaning and repairing weapons. He was also amassing a large stock of homemade ammunition, rock salt and otherwise. Then it was out to the sparring dummies to practice for two hours followed by another swim or shower. Dean’s plan was basically to keep himself occupied or dead tired. He figured he might be able to keep control that way. It had been working so far because where Dean had dove head first into “soldier training” Sam was going in the other direction of rest and relaxation.

Sam still had his morning workouts but the rest of the day he filled up with reading, hiking, TV or movies, or some kind of non-hunt related research. The only “hunting” thing he still made sure not to neglect was watching for activity from the communications room. Not only to make sure there wasn’t something major they were needed for but also to make sure they were safe here and not being tracked.

They’d been taking turns cooking dinner and always had pleasant superficial conversation and after they usually watched a movie or found something to do in the living room that didn’t really leave room for any kind of deep or meaningful conversation. Then Dean would head off to bed before Sam since he was getting up at the ass crack of dawn.

Dean wasn’t happy with the way things were. He missed his brother. Just being goofy, wrestling, swimming in the lake, even training would be more fun done together. And the conversations were so superficial, it was almost like they were both pussyfooting around each other. But the things he missed were also the things that could get him into trouble and that’s what made him keep things the way they were.

He didn’t think they’d necessarily have to do this forever, just long enough for Dean to get Sam out of his system. The more he thought about it the more it seemed like maybe it would be a good thing for him to go out and find someone to take to bed. Sam was getting some so, why shouldn’t he? He was going to have to do it at some point. May as well just rip the whole bandage off at once so to speak.

~*~

Sam stepped out of the cabin and started to make his way towards the lake. He would be stopping by the sparring dummies on his way. He knew that’s where Dean would be and he really needed to see his brother. They’d both kept their distance from each other over the last few days. Dean more than Sam but Sam was guilty of it too.

He had just been so taken aback when he’d realized he had feelings for his brother. He didn’t know how to handle it. He’d been trying to work through his thoughts during his workouts and hikes. He’d thought about what it meant that he’d been feeling like this for his brother. He was wrestling with whether he should tell Dean or not. That one was pretty easy to answer, it was a hell no. This was something he couldn’t share with Dean.

Then he had moved on to trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings but keep their relationship the same. That was the question he was still focusing on when he broke through the trees to the training clearing.

He held back and just watched Dean practicing for a few minutes. He felt his pulse quicken as he stared at Dean’s muscles rippling with each move. He could imagine what Dean would look like beneath him. But no, he couldn’t think of that. Dean would never be under him like that. He wondered when Dean was going to start looking for conquests again, now that Sam knew about his preferences. The thought made Sam cringe. To chase that thought out of his head he stepped forward to get Dean’s attention.

Dean was so engrossed in his training and his thoughts that he didn’t hear Sam walk up behind him.

“Hey Dean.”

“Oh Jesus!” Dean exclaimed and he whirled around. “What is with you sneaking up on me all the time?”

“I wasn’t sneaking. Actually, I probably made quite a bit of noise walking over here. What’s with you today?”

“Uh…oh nothing. What’s up?” Dean grabbed his towel to wipe off his face.

“Just wondering what you’re up to. If you’re finished beating the crap out of Clif here why don’t you join me for a swim.” Sam stared right at Dean.

**_No, nope. Forget it. No swimming, not doing that again._ **

“I don’t think I’m up for a swim Sammy.” Dean ducked his head a little, he hated lying to his brother.

“Aw come on Dean. You’ve been avoiding me for days.” Sam hated that he sounded so whiny.

“I haven’t been avoiding you. We’ve just been doing different things.” Dean was practically pleading.

“Ok and now we can both use a swim or a shower and I’m pretty sure you don’t want to share a shower with me.” Sam smirked at Dean.

Dean choked on his own spit.  The image of sharing a shower with Sam almost too much. **_That’s it, he’s gonna to kill me. The dude is actually trying to kill me._**

“Uh…yeah…ok a swim…yeah swimming” Dean stammered as he turned towards the lake. He felt like he was walking towards his own execution, not going for a swim in a beautiful lake.

They both stepped into the lake in their boxers. There was no racing or wrestling involved this time. They both swam for a bit they stopped a few feet away from each other and just floated there relaxing.

“So how have things been coming along? I’ve seen you’ve spent a lot of time with the weapons.” Sam started, not sure where he was going with his questions.

“Yeah, actually I am making pretty good headway. All the guns have been cleaned and most repairs have been made save for a few. Just have the knives to sharpen up next. Also got a ton of shells made up for us.” Dean relaxed a bit, he could handle talk shop no problem.

“Good. Good…” Sam trailed off.

They both floated in silence a little longer before Sam spoke up again.

“So, you want to watch another movie tonight or maybe take the Impala out for a drive?” Sam tried to sound nonchalant.

“Uh…actually Sammy I was thinking I might head into town ya know. Check out that bar, maybe play some pool or…something.” Dean didn’t look at Sam. He knew Sam would understand what he was implying. Maybe if he just got it over with then he’d be able to do all those things with Sam again, like Sam wanted him to. God, he missed his brother more than anything. Even without the romantic feelings he had never been closer to another human being in his entire life and he needs to have that again with Sam. **_I’m sorry Sammy, I’m working on it._** And it came back around to Sam being with Eric had hurt Dean, but he had no right to be hurt, or jealous. Sam was able to be Dean’s brother, and have sex with whoever. Dean needed to be able to be Sam’s brother, and have sex with whoever. Not pine over Sam. He owed that to Sam.

“Oh. I see. Tonight? You sure?” Sam was doing everything in his power to keep his face from showing any emotion, when it felt like his stomach had plummeted down to his feet pulling his heart along with it.

“Yeah. Why not tonight? It’s as good a night as any.” Dean shrugged and quickly dunked himself under the water.

Sam stared as Dean’s feet disappeared into the lake. Dean wanted to go to the bar. Obviously without him. He wanted a hook-up, Sam knew that, and he hated it. But it’s not like he could invite himself along with Dean. What if they ran into Eric? **_Oh shit! What if Dean ran into Eric?_** Sam suddenly had the image of Dean against that wall with _his_ cock down Eric’s throat. **_No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh hell no!_** But what could he do? He can’t force Dean to stay at the cabin. Dammit!

When Dean resurfaced he was closer to shore.

“Ok. Uh. You still having dinner here then?” **_Still having dinner here? Geez Sam that’s the best you can come up with?_**

“Of course, Sam. I’m not going to the bar for the amazing cuisine.” Dean chuckled and as he stepped out of the lake and retrieved his clothes. “See you inside.” He called when he was already heading towards the cabin.

Sam flopped onto his back, water splashing up all around him. What the hell was going on with him? He’d been thinking non-stop for the last three days and still didn’t have all the answers. It had been kind of good that Dean had been avoiding him, and he was _positive_ that Dean was avoiding him. Because Sam had been doing his own avoiding as well. He knew why he was avoiding Dean but he had no idea why Dean was avoiding him. He seemed to be fine with the whole drunken incident, he hadn’t even mentioned it after that night. Had never even seemed pissed at Sam. Sam wasn’t sure what he did wrong but it felt like Dean was slowly just fading away from him. That ache in his chest, the one he’d had in college, was back.

Even though it was probably good that they’d spent some time apart these past few days, Sam certainly hadn’t wanted a split between them. I mean they were more than pleasant with each other and they did hang out some. It just seemed like their close-knit relationship was at stake here and Sam felt like he was going to have to fight to get it back.

 ** _Ugh! What am I going to do?_** How was he going to fix this? How could he even start to fix this? Especially with the way he seemed to be feeling about his brother these days. That was what had been on his mind constantly since he’d remembered the encounter with Eric. Sam groaned again at the thought.

But he couldn’t deny it. It had been his brother’s face he pictured when he came. It was his brother he was constantly comparing Eric to, and Eric came up short every time. How long had he been feeling this way? Had it been awhile and the alcohol had lowered his inhibitions enough for him to realize it? Or was it just a fluke brought on by the alcohol? He was pretty sure it wasn’t a fluke. He’d been remembering all the “weird” thoughts he’d been having about his brother these last few weeks that had confused him at the time.

He’d definitely come up with some fantasies that more than proved there was attraction there. Picturing Dean throwing him up against the wall and pressing into him, his tongue fucking into Sam’s mouth. His hands all over Sam’s body, gripping and pulling with the strength of a hunter. Their hips grinding hard into each other…

 ** _Oh, fuck me!_** He leaned back feeling his cock stiffen and throb. Yeah, Dean definitely turned him on. Even watching him walk back to the cabin with the water dripping off his body was fuel to his fire.

“I have got to get this under control.” Sam said aloud, followed by a slow moan as he finally took his cock in hand. **_I have to put a stop to this_**. He was thinking even as he started to stroke himself. This could _not_ happen. Dean was his _brother_! Another groan escaped as his hand started moving faster and got caught up in his boxers. Reaching down Sam tore his boxers from his legs, setting his hand and his cock free.

He had his head thrown back with his eyes closed, just praying Dean didn’t come back down to the lake right now. If he did, Sam wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep from jumping him. **_Oh god…_** Dean’s hard body underneath him, writhing. **_Jesus!_** His breathing was coming in short pants as his hand started to stutter. He was so close, and it was all for his brother. All for Dean. But this was wrong, so wrong. He shouldn’t think about his brother this way. But he couldn’t stop thinking about his brother this way. Couldn’t help but picture looking down and seeing Dean’s lips wrapped tightly around his cock.

“Oh God Dean!” Sam yelled out his brother’s name again as he shot off into the lake water.

A few moments later, when Sam started to come down from his climax, that’s when the guilt started to seep in. How could he have these feelings for his brother? And how could he act on them, even just by himself? He was sick, sick and fucked up. Because if he was really going to be honest with himself it wasn’t just a physical attraction, there was a lot of love behind it. He’s not sure when his love for his brother had changed from a brotherly love to a romantic love. He guessed it had been for some time now, that would explain that strange ache he had in his chest every time he was away from his brother for any length of time. It would also explain why he hadn’t been interested in a relationship with anyone else. Hell, in the last eight months the only person he’d been with was Eric, a surrogate for Dean in a drunken haze. It’s not like he didn’t have offers or opportunity, he just had no interest. He’d rather just sit and drink beer with Dean than do just about anything that didn’t include Dean.

Sam sighed. He knew he had to head this off somehow. It’s not like he could pursue anything with his own brother. Dean would probably beat the shit out of him if he knew even half of his thoughts. Hell, _he_ wanted to punch himself for some of the things he was thinking. No, Dean could never know anything about this. He could not stand to lose his brother. He would take anything he could get and that meant keeping his mouth shut and his hands to himself. And he needed to stop with these fantasies, it would only make things harder. Clean break. Move on.

~*~

After Dean had changed he puttered around the cabin for a bit just trying to pass the time. He really didn’t want to go to the bar tonight and he certainly didn’t want to pick anyone up, especially not Eric. He’s not really sure why he’d blurted that out to Sam. The only reason he could come up with was that he was jealous of Eric. Again. Maybe he’d also hoped that Sam would’ve asked to join or just ask him to stay home with him. But he’d asked neither so Dean figured he kind of had to at least follow through on the going to the bar part. It’s not like the bar was a bad place, and he might be able to get couple games of pool out of the deal.

Sam wasn’t back yet but Dean figured it was about time to start on dinner. Nothing fancy, just grilled burgers and potatoes. He stepped outside to the grill and yelled out a call to Sam in case he was close enough to hear him.

“Hey Sammy, starting the grill!”

“It’s Sam, but that sounds great Dean.”

Dean spun around with his hand over his heart to see Sam quietly sitting on the back porch.

“Jesus Christ Sammy! Stop. Doing. That. You’re gonna give me a complex.” Dean was just trying to slow his heart rate back to normal.

“It’s too much fun.” Sam chuckled under his breath hoping the laugh covered his sudden breathlessness. The real reason Sam hadn’t said anything right away when Dean stepped out to the grill was because he’d come out in just a faded pair of jeans riding low on his hips. No shirt, no shoes. Sam thought he was going to die. Someone somewhere was punishing him he was sure of it. And really, one person didn’t have any business looking this hot anyways.

“Well you’re just in time. Food should be ready in about fifteen minutes.” Dean had turned back towards the grill, so now Sam was admiring his perfect ass.

**_Jesus Winchester, pull it together. There is nothing to see here. This is not the ass you are looking for._ **

Dinner passed fairly quickly. Sam seemed a little extra quiet but Dean didn’t call him on it. When they were finished Dean insisted on doing the clean-up and the dishes right away. Honestly? He was trying to find things to keep him busy to delay his impending night at the bar. He really didn’t want to go and every hour that passed he wanted it even less. He’d rather just hang out with Sam all night or even just go to sleep than go back out to that bar. I mean there was nothing wrong with the bar itself and Gary seemed like a pretty decent guy. Dean just really didn’t want to chance running into Eric or basically waste his time and money.

Sam had stepped into the communications room to quickly check their email accounts to see if there were any messages from Bobby or any other hunters. He was wracking his brain to try and find a logical reason to ask Dean not to go to the bar tonight. But he was coming up empty. He was pretty sure all “I’d like you to stay home cause I want to be the only one who gets to fuck you” would get him was a black eye. Sam had to sigh when he saw Dean heading down the hall to their room. He figured he must be going to get dressed to go out.

By the time Dean had stalled as long as he could, Sam was in the living room with something playing on the TV. He came to a stop just behind the couch and decided that maybe he would just ask Sam to come with him. Maybe a night out of the house would do them both good. He knew there was a chance that Eric would be there but it was starting to feel almost like that would be preferable to going out without Sam

“Hey Sam. I guess I am about ready to head out.” Dean still had his hands gripping the couch. “You maybe want to come with me?”

 ** _What? Like hell! As if I want to watch you flirt with everything on legs until you pick one out._** Sam was kind of surprised that Dean had asked him.

“Um…I don’t think so Dean. Not really my scene I guess.” Sam answered quietly.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean Sam? It sure as hell was your scene the other night or have you forgotten that epic failure already?” Even Dean was surprised at the sudden influx of anger that joined the feelings of rejection.

“Epic...? Really Dean? Have you really been waiting all these days to rub my face in that?” Sam had no idea why Dean was upset.

“What? No! But since when has going to a bar for a beer and some pool not been ‘your scene’? Jesus.” Dean had been sure to use air quotes.

“Since always Dean. I’ve always hated doing the bar crap. You know that.”

“No, I do not know that. Apparently, I don’t know a whole lot about you, do I little brother? And I’d actually thought we were close. That maybe you’d want to shoot some pool with your brother.” Dean wasn’t sure where these accusations were coming from but it was like he couldn’t make his mouth stop.

“You don’t want to hang out and shoot pool with me Dean. You just want a wing-man so you can pick up some tramp for the night. Or find a nice cock to suck.” Sam was about as surprised as Dean at what he was spewing.

“I what?! Why would I need you to be my wing-man?”

“Well I doubt there would be too many guys in this little piece of nowhere who would swing that direction for you, so obviously you’d need my help to get a chick.” Sam knew he was making zero sense he just couldn’t stop himself. He was jealous of the _idea_ that Dean wanted someone else. Hell, Dean had just invited him along.

“When have I _ever_ needed your help to pick someone up? Besides you didn’t have any problems finding a guy for a cheap fuck so, why should I?” Dean made to move around the couch, and head for the door. Suddenly, he was grabbed by Sam and thrown against the wall so hard that it knocked the breath out of him.

“What did you say to me?” Sam’s eyes were blazing.

“Oh relax Sam. I know you found some guy named Eric to get your rocks off with. Or do you not remember that? Were you so drunk that you just let some random guy fuck you and you have no memory of it?” Ok that was low, Dean knew it but he was so hurt and angry.

“But..? Eric..? Why..?” Sam shoved Dean against the wall again in his frustration.

“You weren’t so discrete _this_ time little brother. The whole bar knew what you were outside doing. With the town’s gay slut to boot.” Dean spat.

Holding Dean securely against the wall Sam leaned in real close.

“You fucking asshole. Maybe I learned to pick up the ‘town slut’ by watching my older brother. It’s not like you’ve ever been all that picky.” Sam’s voice was dangerously low and he leaned in closer so his lips were right beside Dean’s ear. “I bet you’d love to have that huge cock of yours buried deep inside Eric if you had the chance.” He whispered to Dean, feeling a heat igniting in his body that had nothing to do with anger.

 ** _Oh Christ!_** Dean was suddenly mortified when he realized that Sam manhandling him was turning him on. And then that whisper in his ear. That had caused Dean’s cock to take notice and it was quickly becoming quite hard. He tried to push back against Sam so he could get away before Sam noticed. Sam was so angry, and he had all his weight pressing on Dean so Dean couldn’t budge him.

“Jesus Sam. Stop being an asshole! Let me go!” He pushed at Sam again only to have him lean in closer, if that was even possible. Dean could feel Sam’s breath ghosting over his cheek and his ear.

“What I do with anyone is my business you asshole!” He wasn’t even sure how Dean knew about Eric.

“Screw you Sam! It’s my business if you’re getting that wasted and screwing god knows who in back alleys. That’s all about safety Sam. I didn’t think you were that stupid.” Dean tried pushing one more time, things were getting desperate now. If Sam looked down he would notice for sure.

“Jesus Dean!” Grabbing Dean’s biceps Sam pulled him off the wall only to push him back against the door when he realized he didn’t know where he had planned to take his brother.

“It’s no business of yours…” Sam came to a complete stop. He’d been pushing Dean against the door, preparing to rip into him. As he’d been positioning one of his legs between Dean’s, so he would have the balance advantage, it had brushed over Dean’s crotch. It felt like Dean was hard. Dean had also frozen when he felt Sam brush him. Slowly Sam slipped his leg over Dean’s crotch again. There was no question that Dean was hard, rock hard. **_Oh God._** Slowly Sam lowered his eyes for confirmation of what he’d felt.

All of Dean’s breath left his body in a huge gasp. His body sagged and he let his head fall back against the door looking upwards and he closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see the look of disgust he knew would be on Sam’s face. It was too late to run now. Better he just waited for Sam to punch him.

 ** _What the hell?_** **_What does this mean?_** Everything was swirling around in Sam’s head and making him dizzy. There was no way that Dean was hard for him. Maybe it’s just because they were talking about fucking and then got somewhat physical. No. He and Dean had talked about sex from time to time and he had never gotten hard in front of him. So, what had made him have this reaction now?

Sam started thinking back to all strange ways Dean had been acting towards him lately. It had all started shortly after their Dad had passed. Maybe Dean felt the same as he did? No way, there was just no way. He could feel the tension rolling off Dean. He looked up to see that Dean had his eyes closed and that he seemed to be braced for something to happen. Was Dean expecting Sam to hit him? Why would Sam hit him?

“Dean.” Sam said his name quietly, all the anger gone from his voice.

Hearing Sam quietly call his name he felt a groan escape his lips. Dean slowly opened his eyes and looked down to meet Sam’s and their eyes locked for a few moments.

“Sammy, I…” Dean started, having no idea how he was going to explain this. I mean how do you tell your brother that you’re in love with him? That all you want to do is throw him down on the couch and fuck him into next week. That the reason that you haven’t been with anyone in months is because the only person you wanted to be with was him. There was no handbook on how to explain that. Dean opened and closed his mouth a few times and then just stared up at Sam. He had nothing.

Sam watched all the emotions crossing Dean’s face and knew that he was struggling with something. He could see the vulnerability in Dean’s eyes and that surprised him because he could count on one hand the amount of times he had seen Dean that vulnerable. What had put that look on Dean’s face? Was it possible? Could Dean feel the same as he did? He didn’t think so, but he was in uncharted waters here.

Sam struggled with what to do for a few moments, knowing he had to say or do something soon before Dean completely shut down on him.

“Oh, what the hell.” Dean heard Sam say a split second before he felt Sam’s mouth come down hard on his.

Dean sucked in a stunned breath. Was Sam...? Yeah, Sam was kissing him. **_Holy shit!_**

It took Dean a few seconds to get with the program but then he was kissing Sam back with all he had. He wasn’t sure what was going on but Sam’s lips were on his and he couldn’t stop himself from responding. He’d been expecting a punch in the face, not Sam to start kissing him. **_Sam is kissing me!_** Dean knew this was too good to be true, too good to last. He also knew he should be putting a stop to it but he’d been wanting this for so long and he was just so tired of fighting it. He knew everything would be different in the light of day but he was going to take whatever he could get before Sam came to his senses.

Sam felt Dean’s hands, which had been trying to push him away, pull him in closer. Latch on like he was afraid Sam was going to suddenly bolt. He heard a wanton moan come from Dean and he almost died right there. Dean wanted this too! **_Oh my God. He wants me!_** Sam pushed his hips forward and pressed his crotch against Dean’s. He wanted Dean to feel how turned on he was, to know that Sam wanted him just as much.

“Oh God.” Dean groaned as they pulled apart for air. “Sam…”

“Shut up Dean.” Sam half moaned, half ordered, as he pressed his lips over Dean’s again.

Dean couldn’t believe how much Sam taking charge was turning him on.

 ** _Oh God_**. Sam had never been this turned on in his life. Especially not just from a little kissing. And man, could Dean kiss. Sam was pretty sure he could kiss Dean for the rest of his life and it still wouldn’t be enough. He needed this, needed Dean, like he needed air to breathe.

It was all Dean could do to keep from tearing Sam’s clothes off and just bending him over right then. He could feel his skin flushing and he could feel the heat radiating off Sam. Sam’s weight was pressing him hard against the door, and it was turning him on even more every second. If that was even possible. He had never been this hard in his entire life, and the front of his boxers were already damp with pre-come. As Dean moved his hands down Sam’s body and felt the muscles rippling under his palms and the sharp jut of Sam’s hip bones he needed more. He needed to feel Sam, like he would die if he couldn’t feel Sam’s skin.

Wrapping his arms around Sam he slid his hands underneath the back of Sam’s shirt, gliding his hands up and down. When he heard soft moans escaping from Sam at his ministrations it only made him want to touch more, _need_ to touch more. Gripping the edge of Sam’s shirt, he pulled it up and finally tore his mouth off of Sam’s.

“Off.” He demanded and Sam complied immediately.

Dean just watched as Sam removed his shirt the rest of the way. He drank in Sam’s body like he was seeing it for the first time. Running his hands over Sam’s mostly smooth skin he looked up and his eyes widened at what he saw staring back at him. Sam’s eyes were almost black, there was just a small sliver of hazel showing around his lust blown pupils.

“Oh God Sam…” Dean whispered as he licked Sam’s earlobe into his mouth and nipped gently at it with his teeth.

Bringing his hands around front he rested one hand on Sam’s hip while the other one ghosted over Sam’s chest. He used his fingers to slowly rub over Sam’s nipple. He lifted his head and watched as it pebbled almost immediately. Pressing harder he pulled his thumb up and squeezed the little nub hard before releasing it. A moan worthy of a porn star tore from Sam as he threw his head back. Dean slid his hand over to the other nipple, wanting to hear more moans coming from his brother.

Sam gripped tight around Dean’s waist as Dean played with his nipples. Sam had always had sensitive nipples. He’d had his fair share of guys who’d liked to play with them, but what Dean was doing to him? It was downright erotic, sinful, and damn Sam wanted more. God, he wanted everything from Dean.

Encouraged by Sam’s noises Dean leaned forward to take one of Sam’s nipples into his mouth, tonging and nipping at it, while continuing to roll the other one between his fingers.

“Oh good Gods!” Sam exclaimed as he leaned forward and latched onto Dean’s neck. Sucking and kissing everywhere he could get his lips. Dean was going to kill him from nipple play alone. He felt his hips press forward, of their own accord, and heard a low groan from Dean. God, he needed Dean in a bad way. Gripping the edge of Dean’s shirt, he swiftly pulled up, leaving no question that he wanted it removed, and it quickly joined Sam’s on the floor.

Suddenly they were skin to skin and they both paused, just for a second, relishing the feel of it. Dean quickly regained what composure he had left and went right for the button on Sam’s jeans. His fingers fumbled a little but they finally popped it open. Then he pulled down Sam’s zipper and pushed his hand inside.

Sam gasped at the feel of Dean’s hand over his cock even through the thin material of his boxers. He felt Dean’s fingers tighten around him. A moment later they were being shoved under the waist band of his boxers where they quickly grabbed ahold of him again. Sam felt his knees buckle and the only thing that kept him upright was Dean’s arm around his waist.

When Dean felt his palm make contact with the velvet skin of Sam’s cock, and he felt Sam lean against him, he was sure he must be dreaming. There was no way this was really happening. Then he realized that he was supporting most of Sam’s weight and he directed them towards the couch. He knew there was no way they would make it down the hall.

Just before Sam fell to the couch he felt Dean pull his jeans and boxers all the way down. He stumbled as he stepped out of them and then lowered himself down. On the way to the couch they had resumed their frantic kissing, which was only making them both even more needy. Sam’s hands were everywhere over Dean. He just couldn’t get enough.

As Sam sat down on the couch, Dean went down to his knees in front of him, having to break their kiss due to Sam’s height. He felt Sam leaning down to reclaim his lips but with his palm on Sam’s chest he pushed him so he was leaning back against the couch. For just a moment Dean looked up and caught Sam’s eye. Then he leaned forward and licked Sam’s cock from base to tip.

“Oh fuck…God yes…fuck…” Words and curses just started falling from Sam’s lips. He had never felt anything like this before.

Encouraged by Sam’s reaction Dean gained more confidence as he started to lick and suck at the crown of Sam’s weeping cock. The fact that Sam was pretty much proportional to the rest of his body was not lost on Dean. I mean he knew this, he’d seen Sam naked before of course, but somehow this was different. Like he was seeing Sam differently this time, learning him all over again. He licked at the pre-come that kept pearling at Sam’s tip and groaned as the flavor exploded on his tongue. It was a bit salty, a little bitter but mostly just tasted like…Sam.

Dean knew he was a good lover but he needed to make sure he was doing his best for Sam. More than anything he wanted Sam to want this again. Somewhere, niggling in the back of his brain he knew that this was never going to happen again. Sam was just caught up in the moment and Dean knew he was taking advantage of that. He knew, without a doubt, that if he wasn’t already heading towards hell that this would send him there for sure. So, he had just this one chance to express his love for Sam and damned if he wasn’t going to try and make it perfect for him.   

As Sam felt Dean take him fully into his mouth his hips pushed forward just a little bit. God Dean was good with his mouth. All that moist heat moving so expertly around his cock. He felt Dean reach out one arm to steady his hips. Dean was licking and sucking, bobbing his head, tonging Sam’s slit, squeezing and jerking Sam’s shaft and it was, by far, the best blow job Sam had ever had.

Dean could hear the moans and the nonsense that was spilling from Sam’s mouth and he knew that Sam had to be getting close. And he wasn’t too far behind himself. He was actually surprised that his own cock hadn’t just busted right through his jeans it was so engorged and hard. He finally reached his hand down, popped the button, and unzipped his jeans. Relief was instant but short lived. He needed friction. Pulling out his swollen dick he started stroke himself while he was still sucking Sam.

His cock had been so starved for attention that he almost lost it on his first couple of strokes. He’d had to squeeze the base hard and picture the nastiest ghouls he could for a few moments to get himself back under control. He hollowed out his cheeks and sucked hard on Sam. He moaned as he resumed stroking his own length.

Sam felt Dean move his arm off his hips so he looked down. He watched as Dean squeezed the base of his own cock and then gasped as Dean sucked him down so hard that he felt his cock touch the back of Dean’s throat. He had a moment to watch as Dean resumed pumping himself before he felt the vibrations from Dean’s moan and it was almost over for Sam right there.

Dean felt Sam’s hips surge forward and he opened his throat further to accommodate him. He eased up the pressure around Sam’s cock by opening his lips slightly, and encouraging Sam to fuck into his mouth. All the time keeping a fast rhythm going on his own weeping cock.

When he felt the first tentative push from Sam’s hips he hummed his approval, trying to encourage Sam to fuck harder. Feeling the vibrations around him Sam pushed faster and deeper into Dean’s mouth. Dean increased his own strokes, adding a twist here and there, and swiping his thumb across the head. He was so close but he didn’t want to come before Sam did.

Sam reached down and grasped Dean’s head in his hands to steady himself. Then he resumed fucking Dean’s mouth with an abandon he never knew he had. The amount of trust that Dean had to have in him to allow him to use his mouth this way was not lost on Sam either. It just made him love his brother that much more. His fingers tightened in Dean’s hair and his thrusts became more erratic. He could feel his orgasm starting low in his belly and he tried to warn Dean and pull out.

“Dean…oh god…m’gonna…” Sam panted.

Feeling Sam try and pull back Dean knew he’d finally reached his limit. Instead of allowing Sam to pull out he held his head firm and tightened his lips around Sam’s cock. Two more thrusts and he felt Sam pulsing under his lips. With a loud cry Sam came hard down Dean’s throat.

It was easily the most erotic thing that Dean had ever experienced and with just a few more strokes he was following Sam over that edge. He sucked hard, pulling every drop from Sam, as his own release painted the edge of the couch and floor.

When both of their cocks grew too sensitive Dean let Sam’s slip from between his lips. Then collapsed against Sam’s lap, out of breath.

Sam wasn’t sure how long they sat there panting, but soon he was trying to pull a boneless Dean up onto the couch with him.

“Dean that was…”

“Yeah it was.” Dean agreed, as he managed to situate himself so he could lay back and look up at Sam.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that Sammy.” Dean breathed but held up his hand before Sam had a chance to say anything. “I know this is kinda weird…ok very weird and very wrong. But I don’t regret a second of it…except maybe not doing it sooner.” He smiled up at his brother. “But if, you know, if you…”

Sam reached down and placed his finger against Dean’s lips. He knew what Dean was going to say. That Dean was going to try to give him a way out.

“I believe it was me who started this Dean. _I_ kissed _you_. Don’t worry Dean. I want this. I want it so much that it scares me. But I don’t regret it, not for one second. We can talk till the cows come home later.” Sam closed his eyes and slouched back into the couch as he felt Dean start to relax underneath him. Yeah, he could get used to this.

~*~

Sam groaned at the pain in his neck and slowly opened his eyes. Looking around he realized he was on the couch in the living room. Then the events of the previous night came back to him. Oh God, what had he done? He’d gotten the best blow job of his life from his _brother,_ that’s what he’d done. And he’d loved every second of it. Looking down he saw that the couch and the floor had been cleaned up. If it weren’t for the fact that he wasn’t wearing pants then he might have thought he’d dreamed the whole thing. He could smell coffee so obviously Dean was already awake.

“Dean? Hey Dean?” He called out but didn’t receive any answer. A small tendril of worry curled in his stomach.

He got up, pulled his jeans on and made his way down the hall to the bedroom. One look told him that Dean wasn’t in there and he could see he wasn’t in the bathroom either. So, Dean wasn’t in the cabin at all and any trace of what had happened the night before had been erased. Sam felt that worry settle in the pit of his stomach.

Who was he kidding? Of course, it had been erased. What had he been thinking? That Dean would be ok with all of this? Sam had been the one who had pushed himself on Dean. He’d known it had been a long time since Dean had gotten any action and Dean had probably just gotten caught up in the heat of the moment. He didn’t really want Sam that way. How could he? Sam was his brother. Dean didn’t want a relationship with him, he probably wouldn’t even be able to look at Sam anymore without being disgusted.

With a sigh Sam went about getting ready for the day. Kicking himself the whole time for being so stupid. After dressing in his workout clothes, he grabbed a coffee and decided to look for Dean. **_Might as well get this out of the way early and move on._** He was positive they were going to be leaving on a new hunt as soon as Dean could find them one. What a fucked-up vacation this had been. Dean had just been trying to take care of Sam and, as usual, Sam had gone and fucked everything up again.

His path crossed Dean’s at the sparring dummies. By the amount of sweat that had soaked through Dean’s t-shirt he could tell that he’d been at it awhile. He’d probably been out here all morning hoping to avoid Sam as much as possible. Sam made sure to drag his feet, making enough noise that Dean would know he was coming

“Hey Dean.” Sam cleared his throat.

“Hey there Sammy.” Dean barely looked away from what he was doing. “You headin’ out on one of your hikes?”

“Ah, no. Thought I’d go for a morning swim.”

“Yeah. It’s a great morning for that. Enjoy.” Dean started in harder on the dummy.

“Uh…Dean, I think maybe we need to talk.” Sam scuffed his foot at the ground a little.

“Nah. We’re good Sammy, all good.” Dean didn’t even raise his head.

“No. I really think we should discuss what…”

“Sammy!” Dean almost shouted as he turned towards Sam. “There is nothing to discuss. We’re good. Now let me get back to my workout.” Dean turned his back completely on Sam signaling that the conversation was over.

“O…ok.” Sam muttered and slowly started off towards the lake, forcing himself not to look back at Dean.

By the time he’d reached the edge of the water his fists were clenched in frustration and tears were threatening behind his eyes. What had he been thinking? He was such a freak. Of course, Dean didn’t want to talk about it, he didn’t want to have to remember how sick Sam was, how Sam had forced himself on him. He knew Dean would never say it to his face. That Dean cared too much about his feelings for that, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t thinking it.

Sam sat down and just looked out over the lake. Right now, he didn’t have the motivation to do anything, much less swim. Was Dean going to dump Sam off the first chance he got? Was he even going to want to hunt with him anymore? A cold knot of fear formed in Sam’s stomach at the thought of having to continue on without his brother. No, he could not survive without Dean. He didn’t _want_ to survive without Dean. No, he would do whatever Dean wanted, be whatever Dean wanted. He would deny these sick feelings. He would bury them so deep they’d never see the light of day again. He could do that. He _would_ do that, he would do anything for Dean. He would do anything to _stay with_ Dean.

~*~

Dean had watched Sam walk off into the trees, and as soon as he was out of sight he had dropped to the ground. All he’d wanted to do was to pull Sam into his arms and hold him but he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t do that to Sam. Sam deserved to be as normal as possible. He didn’t need Dean messing that up by fucking him. Maybe there was a way for Sam to just forget what had happened between them. Maybe he could go back to college and live a normal, apple pie life. He didn’t need his sick older brother corrupting him any further.

That morning Dean had woken up in Sam’s arms and for the first few minutes he’d been totally happy. It was the best sleep he had gotten in months and he’d woken up feeling almost peaceful. And then reality had come crashing in. He remembered the night before and when he really thought it over he’d been sick with himself. How could he have taken advantage of Sam like that? He should have been the strong one and stopped everything. It was his job to protect Sam, even if it was Dean that Sam needed protection from.

He’d quickly gotten up and cleaned away all the evidence of the night before, hoping that maybe Sam would think it was all a dream. Then he’d showered, made coffee, and come out here. He been beating on the dummies ever since.

He’d known that Sam was going to want to talk. And he knew he wouldn’t be able to deal with hearing Sam tell him how sick he was so he’d just stopped him before he’d started. He knew he was screwed up, he just didn’t need to see that in Sam’s eyes. He’d wanted to beg for Sam’s forgiveness but that would have meant bringing the subject up and he just couldn’t bring himself to do that.

He’d have to find them some kind of hunt soon. Should he and Sam even hunt together anymore? No. Now that he’d been with Sam he knew his feelings would only be getting stronger, that he would want him that much more. If he’d given in so easily this time he obviously didn’t have the strength needed to resist Sam now that he knew what he’d be missing. No, Sam needed a normal life, he’d never wanted the hunting life. Sam didn’t _need_ to hunt, not like Dean did. Dean had just kept him here for his own selfish reasons. He knew Sam only stayed so he didn’t have to feel guilty over leaving Dean all by himself. Maybe he could start hunting with Caleb more often, then Sam wouldn’t have to worry about him.

He might even be able to find a way to get Sam back into Stanford. Perhaps that’s how he could make this up to Sam. It would kill him to leave Sam, he would be dead inside and he knew it. But that wasn’t what was important. Sam was what was important. Not Dean’s sick co-dependent relationship that he seemed to have going on. He needed to put Sam’s best interests in front of his own. Now more than ever.

He would always keep tabs on Sam, and make sure he wasn’t in danger. Maybe the best way he could protect Sam now was to stay out of his life, and let Sam move on. To Dean it was the ultimate sacrifice but he would do anything for Sam, even if it meant leaving him. He could do that for Sam. He _would_ do that for Sam.

Squaring his shoulders Dean started off towards the cabin. He had a lot of work to do. First, he needed to find a hunt and get them back on the road, preferably in the direction of California. He knew Caleb mostly hunted out in that area so it would be good to touch base with him anyways. He also wanted to tap his contacts and see if there was any way to make his Stanford idea happen. Dean was hoping if he was handing Sam his ticket back into college that it would be easier for him to leave Dean without feeling too guilty.

Before Ash’s untimely death he had given Dean the name of a friend of his from MIT “just in case”. A guy who could be trusted and knew about “the life”, but had managed to keep himself just on the outskirts of it. He’d owed Ash a few favors and since his skills were comparable to Ash’s Dean thought maybe he could help with getting Sam reinstated with his full scholarship. It was going to be a busy couple of days but at least it would keep him occupied, and at a safe distance from Sam.


	4. Chapter 4

Two days. It had been two days since Sam had woken up alone on the living room couch. Two days since everything seemed to have changed between the brothers. Two days since they’d had a real conversation. And for Sam they’d been two very long and very lonely days.

It wasn’t that Dean wasn’t talking to him or giving him the silent treatment, it was more that they had not said anything of substance to each other. They talked about what to make for dinner, what supplies they needed and who should have to go get them. They talked about the weather and whether or not the fish were biting, which they apparently were since that was last night’s dinner. They talked to decide if they would watch the game or watch a movie and whose turn it was to grab the beers. It was the largest amount of irrelevant small talk that Sam had ever spoken in his entire life, and it all meant nothing.

Dean had started dropping hints that he was gearing up to drop a hunt on Sam. He’d been spending large amounts of time holed up in the communication room, doing who knows what. When he wasn’t in there he was finishing up with the weapons and medical supplies. He’d made a list of what weapons they’d need to acquire. He’d even suggested that they could grab some of what they needed from the cabin’s armory. That was when Sam got worried.

Dean knew that the weapons in that armory were there for hunter emergencies, not just restocking themselves. So the fact that Dean was even suggesting this meant he needed to acquire these weapons quickly and didn’t feel like he could go through their normal channels. Based on the list he’d seen it looked like Dean was trying to duplicate most of what was in Baby’s trunk. That could only mean that Dean was planning to dump him somewhere and soon.

He knew Dean was up to something more than just a hunt. He was in his planning mode. Luckily, Sam could play aloof really well. So Dean probably thought he was flying under the radar while he was actually ringing every alarm bell that Sam had. Sam needed to know what was going on. He needed to put a stop to this, whatever it was. He couldn’t be left behind by Dean. He needed more time.

Time for what he wasn’t sure. Time to get over Dean and just be brothers again? No, he would never get over Dean. He needed time to convince Dean that he could still be his brother, his hunting partner, and never bring that night up again. It would all be a lie but it’s all he had to work with. The alternative just wasn’t an option.

He needed to get into the communications room and see what Dean had been up to. To see if there was a way he could put a stop to it or at least throw up a few road blocks to buy himself some time. Unfortunately he wasn’t sure how to get Dean away from the cabin long enough to snoop. The proposed supply run wasn’t for another couple of days and Sam had a feeling his time to intercede was running out.

That’s when he was struck with what he felt was a stroke of genius. Dean was a creature of habit, especially the last few days. That meant after dinner Dean would settle down in the living room to watch the game, like every other red blooded American male would be, and drink beer. Or whiskey depending on how his day had been. So…if there was no alcohol in the cabin then Dean would have to go buy some or go drink at the bar.

Standing at the back door he could hear Dean was still kicking away at the practice dummies. He knew he had a short window to pull this off and he had to be very careful. He felt a pang of guilt at deceiving his brother. He really hated lying to Dean. But then he reminded himself that Dean was obviously up to something too, so this was pure self-preservation.

Working quickly he grabbed a trash bag, and all the beer out of the fridge. Then he put two bottle back in. After that he opened each bottle and poured it down the sink, wincing as he watched all that good beer just wash away.

After putting the empties in the trash bag he grabbed the whiskey from the living room. Pouring out almost all of it, he’d left enough for one drink. He was hoping it would look like they just hadn’t noticed how low it had gotten. He put the whiskey bottle back in the living room, grabbed the trash bag, and then headed out the front door.

He looked around for a place to dump the bottles. He needed something that Dean wouldn’t notice or stumble upon. So that ruled out the normal trash bin. Then he saw the extra wood pile just past the Impala. They had barely used the fireplace so far so there was no reason for either of them to go near that pile.

Stepping behind it he put the trash bag on the ground and covered it with quite a few pieces of wood. Then he quickly made his way back inside. He’d put a few of the empties in the kitchen garbage to give the impression that they had drank it all and just hadn’t noticed. Sam wasn’t sure if this was going to work but it was the best he could come up with on short notice.

He grabbed a book and settled in on the couch. He knew Dean would be in any minute and they would decide on what tonight’s dinner would be. Sam would offer to cook, if only to keep Dean out of the kitchen and ignorant to their apparent lack of beer.

Sighing, Sam reread the same paragraph for what was probably the thirtieth time over the last two days. All he could think about was Dean. He was either reliving the best blow job of his life or he was stressing that Dean was going to ditch him the first chance he got.

He’d had a lot of time to think things through and he knew that deep down Dean didn’t want to leave him behind. But he also knew that Dean would think it was their only option, the right thing to do. The idea that he was protecting Sam was how he would justify it to himself. At least he needed to believe that this was the case. The idea that Dean could just brush him off, that he didn’t feel the same way as Sam, was just too painful.

“Heya Sammy.” Dean called as the back door slammed behind him.

“Jesus Christ!” Sam jumped up from where he was sitting.

“Heh. It’s about time I startled you.” Dean gave Sam a smirk as he stepped into the living room. “I’m gonna grab a shower and change but then I can whip up some dinner for us.” Dean had already stepped into the hall.

“No!” Sam yelled, causing Dean to turn around with a very confused look on his face.

“I uh…I mean, no I already have a plan for dinner. I was uh…going to throw a couple steaks on the grill. I mean…I can…if you want.” Sam stammered, hoping that they actually did have some steaks in the fridge.

“When have I ever turned down a steak Sammy? And hey, you wanna cook I say all the power to ya.” Dean turned and practically flounced down the hall.

Sam stood there watching Dean walk away, his sweaty clothes were clinging to him in all the right places. **_God dayum I need a piece of that! Oh come on Winchester, lock it down._** Huffing to himself Sam turned into the kitchen to start getting dinner ready.

How was he going to do this? How was he going to handle being around Dean all the time and not being _with_ him? If the last couple of days had taught him anything it was how much he was in love with his brother. He couldn’t quite pinpoint when the change had happened, when he started thinking of his brother this way, but it had definitely, and irrevocably happened.

Somewhere in his brain he knew that it was wrong to want your brother like this. He just didn’t really care anymore. Hell, it wasn’t like anything in their lives was normal. They practically lived in the grey area. They hustled pool, committed credit card fraud, impersonated FBI agents, had multiple fake IDs, a weapons arsenal in their trunk, and so much more. That all this was necessary to keep the things that go bump in the night under control, and protect the innocent was how they justified it all. So how was being in a relationship with your brother, that no one would ever know about, any worse than anything else they did? It wasn’t. Hell, most people already assumed they were a gay couple anyways.

He needed to be with Dean, even if it could only be as a brother. He only felt whole when he was with Dean. That was something that had always been there, but now it was so much more. He’d always scoffed at people who’d claimed they’d found their “soul mate” or “the one” but now he wasn’t so sure. Now that he’d let himself _feel_ for Dean, and had been with him, he couldn’t imagine ever being with anyone else again. He’d never felt this way for anyone before. Dean was it for him, probably always had been. It explained why it always felt wrong to be separated from him. So maybe a message had gotten mixed up somewhere, and he’d ended up with his soul mate being his brother. Or maybe it wasn’t a mistake at all. Maybe because of the type of lives that hunters lived, this was the only way to guarantee that they would actually meet each other. Maybe they were always both supposed to be hunters as well as soul mates. It made sense to Sam. But would it make sense to Dean? Somehow Sam doubted it would.

He needed to find out what Dean had planned and put a stop to it. At least long enough to either convince Dean that they could have a relationship or to convince him that they could go back to just being brothers and hunting together. Sam knew both of those things were probably long shots but he had to try. Going forward without Dean just wasn’t an option.

~*~

Dean groaned as the warm water sluiced over his sore muscles. He had easily doubled his normal workout regime. When he wasn’t in the communications room making arrangements he needed to keep himself physically busy, to try and keep his thoughts, and hands, off of Sam.

He was doing everything he could to bury his feelings, to do the right thing by Sam. Trying to remain “normal” was killing him. All he wanted to do was pull Sam into his arms and kiss him for hours. He never wanted to stop. He wanted Sam to be his, and only his, but he knew that could never happen. Not only because they were brothers. There was no way Sam would ever want him long term. Hell he didn’t even seem to be affected now, and it had only been a few days since their night on the couch. That’s probably what hurt Dean the most, that Sam hadn’t even put up a fight for him. He sighed to himself.

Every night when he closed his eyes he saw Sam on the couch in front of him. When he did manage to fall asleep he would dream of Sam writhing underneath him. Every morning he woke up so hard for Sam and he had to physically wear himself out so he wouldn’t need to constantly take care of himself in the bathroom. That’s why he couldn’t be around Sam. He didn’t trust himself. If they kept hunting together it would only be a matter of time before he would cave and try something again. And he couldn’t do that to Sam.

And then there was the other problem. Even if he did manage to control himself around Sam, eventually Sam would want to date. Well, as close to dating as hunters ever got anyways, so basically, hook up when time permitted. Blow off some steam. Sam wasn’t going to become celibate just because he was hunting with Dean. And there was no way he’d be able to watch that.

From the past he knew that Sam had a pretty healthy sex drive, he just hadn’t known he was gay. That had made it easier to curb his want for Sam, thinking that Sam was a “ladies’ man” had helped him keep in check. Now he knew Sam’s preference and he also knew that Sam was attracted to him, he could at least admit that much. That part wasn’t even strange to him. It almost made sense. I mean it was just the two of them 24/7 and they lived out of motel rooms and the Impala. So even if Dean wasn’t a good looking guy, which he was, it was inevitable that an attraction would build. But that didn’t mean it was something they should act on. Attraction was one thing, but what Dean had wasn’t just attraction, he was all in. He wanted the whole ball of wax. Sam would never want that. Not with Dean, not with his older _brother_. Never.

Dean had temporarily lost control the other night, but he was back in control. He knew he couldn’t maintain that control if he had to watch Sam with other people, other guys. He couldn’t sit by and watch him pick up in the bars. If he stayed in the hotel it would kill him when Sam didn’t come back until the next morning.

No, what he was doing was the right thing for both of them. It was going to be the hardest thing he’d ever have to do in his life but he’d do anything for Sam. Sure it would be next to impossible to stay away from Sam at first. Every day would be a fight not to turn around and drive right back to Sam. It would take every ounce of willpower he had. But he would keep himself busy with hunts and with time it would get easier. It had to get easier. He knew Sam was only staying with him out of a sense of obligation, and that he was taking advantage of that. Sam had never wanted to be a hunter. If it hadn’t been for those shape shifters then Sam would be graduating from Stanford right now. Sam deserved a normal life, he didn’t need his warped older brother lusting after him day and night.

Dean stepped from the shower and dried off quickly. He had been in there for way too long. Right now he was just looking forward to eating that steak Sam had promised him. Then he’d grab a few beers, and settle in to watch the game.  Sam would probably join him but two guys just watching the game would probably prove to be a fairly safe night.

~*~

Sam had just pulled the steaks off the grill when he heard Dean step out of the bathroom. He put all the food on the table with a beer for each of them, the last two beers in the house.

“Holy crap that smells good Sam. I’m starving.” Dean went right to his seat and Sam just nodded at him.

It was hard for Sam to know how to respond these days. He was trying to just be “Dean’s brother”. He was constantly worried he was going to say something to make Dean completely shut him out. He was also very wary of touching Dean, even casually. He was worried that Dean would take it the wrong way, but he was also worried about his own reaction. The fire that shot through his body, at even an innocent touch, was too much for him handle without giving himself away.

He wasn’t so sure that Dean felt the same way, regardless of what had happened the other night. Dean didn’t seem to be having any trouble carrying on conversations with Sam but he was giving him a wide berth when it came to casual touching. Dean was probably worried that Sam would misinterpret even the simplest of touches. As he watched Dean take his seat he couldn’t blame him. All Sam wanted to do was run his fingers through Dean’s wet hair and kiss him senseless. Sam had to physically shake his head to rid him of that thought. If Dean had noticed he didn’t say anything.

“So you’ve been spending a lot of time in the communications room. Anything big showing up? Anything to be concerned about?” Sam figured he’d give Dean a chance to come clean before he carried out his snooping plan.

“There are a few things I’m tracking. Nothing too serious. Looks like there might be something in California, up Caleb’s way.” Dean said around a mouthful of food.

“Huh. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen Caleb. I thought he mostly hunted alone. Is this something like a vamp nest that he needs extra bodies for?” Sam inwardly cringed at the thought of California. Ever since he’d returned to hunting he’d hated to enter that state. It always reminded him of how lonely he’d been during his time at Stanford. It made him think about what he could have lost if he hadn’t reconnected with Dean and their father when he did.

“Not sure yet. He’s still running down the info. I’m sure he’ll let me know in the next couple of days. If he doesn’t need help then I have a couple other leads a little east of here we should look into.” Dean sounded very matter of fact, but he knew Sam would get that he meant for them to leave as soon as possible.

Sam nodded and they both continued to eat in silence, neither really sure what to talk about.

Dean was so torn up about this. In his heart all he wanted to do was stay here with Sam and continue what they had started the other night. But his brain knew that it couldn’t happen. Being this close to Sam and not being able to love him the way he wanted to was hard enough now. He knew if they stayed on the road together it would only get worse. It was already difficult to avoid even casual touches and he was always scared that Sam would catch him staring. If it was this hard with all the space they had at the cabin it was going to be near impossible when they were trapped inside Baby or a small, cheap motel room.

~*~

“That was great Sammy.” Dean said as he finished off his dinner and the beer in front of him. “You gonna watch the game tonight?”

“Of course.” Sam gave Dean a funny look. They always watched the game when they got a chance.

They both washed up their dishes, and Sam put away the few leftovers they had.

“Grab a couple beers and meet me in the living room.” Dean called from the door of the kitchen.

Sam waited a couple of beats, and then called back. “Uh…Dean, we’re out of beer.”

“What the hell? There should be at least two six packs in there still.” Dean’s head popped back around the corner.

“I guess we must have lost track or something cause there ain’t any in here now. Take a look for yourself.” Sam held up the empty cardboard from a six pack.

“Dammit. Oh well, I guess it’s a whiskey night after all then.” Dean sighed and headed back to the living room. There was no way he could handle hanging out with Sam all night without alcohol to keep him mellow.

Sam waited a few minutes. He knew what was coming and braced himself for Dean’s reaction.

“Sam! What the hell?!” Dean yelled.

“What’s up?” Sam feigned innocence as he stepped into the living room and grabbed the TV remote.

“What’s up? There’s almost no whiskey left, that’s what’s up. What gives? Where is all our damn alcohol?” Dean’s face was actually turning a bit red with frustration.

“Don’t look at me. I haven’t touched whiskey since that night at the bar.” Sam cringed inwardly at that memory. “You must have drank more than you thought.” Sam sat down and started looking for the game. “Seriously Dean, chill. Just sit down and watch the game.”

“I can’t just sit and watch the game without beer or whiskey!” Dean was incredulous.

“Why not?”

“What do you mean ‘why not’ Sam? Did you hit your head or something?” Dean was definitely exasperated.

“I don’t know what to tell you Dean. Guess you’ll have to run out the store then.” Sam kept his eyes on the TV, he didn’t want Dean to see through him.

“Sam, we’re in butt-fuck nowhere. I’m pretty sure the liquor store is long closed by now.” Dean huffed.

“Well I suppose you could always go watch the game at the bar if you’re so set on having a few drinks.” Sam suggested.

“Yeah. I guess that could work. Grab your jacket. Let’s go.” Dean started pulling his boots on.

“Uh...no…I don’t think so. You go ahead. I’ll just hang here. I’d rather not show my face there for a little longer. You know…”

Dean stared at Sam for a few moments. It felt like something was up but he couldn’t put his finger on what. It’s true that Sam could take or leave alcohol better than Dean could. But Dean was positive they’d had more beer in the fridge. Although he had been a little out of sorts the last few days, maybe he had drank more than he realized. It’s not like Sam had anything to gain by hiding it on him. He also understood why Sam would be a little reluctant to return to the bar so soon after his last visit. He wouldn’t be surprised if Sam never went back there again.

“Alright. Suit yourself.” Dean said over his shoulder and then he was gone.

Sam listened to the Impala pulling away. He decided to watch the first quarter of the game in case Dean did manage to find an open liquor store, and came back right away. If he wasn’t back by the end of the first quarter then he’d definitely gone to the bar.

~*~

It took Sam just over an hour to put together everything that Dean had been working on and by the end of it he was livid. He’d known that Dean was going to want to get on the road right away, and he’d known Dean was probably going to try and split them up. But re-enrolling him at Stanford, without even asking him, was going way too far. It seemed that Dean not only wanted to be free of Sam but he wanted him out of the whole life of hunting. Was it so he’d never have to deal with Sam again? Did Dean really believe he was that sick?

Even if they weren’t hunting together, there was no way Sam was getting out of the life of hunting. Yeah, he may have tried to a few years back when he’d first set off for Stanford, but he’d quickly learned that you could never really leave the hunting life. Either it tracked you down or you felt responsible for saving those who didn’t know how to defend themselves against the supernatural.

His family had devoted so much of their lives to hunting. It really _was_ the family business. Sam felt a sense of duty to be fighting these monsters alongside his brother. But if he could no longer fight at Dean’s side he was still going to fight. He was a damn good hunter and people needed him to stay in the game. He’d hate every second of it without Dean, but he’d do it anyway.

Using his own hacking skills Sam put a stop to the Stanford enrollment papers. Then he sent off an email, in Dean’s name of course, to some guy named Craig. Apparently Craig had been a friend of Ash’s. He told him that their plans had changed, but thanked him for all his help. Then he’d sent another email to Caleb saying something had come up but that they’d be in touch soon.

Sam was determined that he and Dean were going to figure their shit out before heading back out on the road. It was ridiculous to be running from each other, they were all each other had left. So they were either going to find a way to hunt together or they’d do this split proper, so neither was left in the lurch.

Making all these changes had kept Sam busy but they’d done nothing to sooth his temper. Looking at the clock he figured Dean would be getting back shortly. He turned off the computer and headed back out to the living room. He left the TV and the lights all turned off and just sat on the edge of the couch waiting for Dean to come in. Waiting and seething.

~*~

Dean noticed that all the lights seemed to be off as he guided the Impala out of sight from the road. Sam must have given up on him and gone to bed. As it was Dean was ready to crash himself. He’d sat in the far corner of the bar nursing a couple of beers, and only sort of watching the game. He’d discouraged any attempts that were made to draw him into conversation. When he had left the cabin he’d been pissed off for having to go out but getting out had actually given him some time to think things through a little clearer.

He was still thinking that he and Sam should lay off hunting together for a little while, but not necessarily permanently. Maybe just a little cooling off time for him to get himself together, and then they could try to be brothers again. Caleb and Bobby were both always open to hunting partners so neither of them would be without back up.

Also, he may have been a little over reaching with the Stanford thing. He should have asked Sam first before putting things in motion. At this point if Sam found out about what he had done he’d probably want to punch him or something. If there was anything that Sam hated, it was people making decisions for him. So he’d get in touch with Craig first thing and tell him to put it on hold until he’d had the chance to talk to Sam. If Sam wanted to go back then great, but it wasn’t up to Dean.

Dean was a little more comfortable now that he’d had that time to think. The past couple of days he had been so wound up. Always thinking that Sam was just around the corner, that he hadn’t been able to really think things through. He’d felt kind of trapped. So going out alone tonight had really turned out to be a pretty good thing.

He was careful to keep quiet as he came in the front door. He’d have more than enough time to talk to Sam tomorrow, he’d didn’t need to wake him up now. He’d just put the keys on the table and was pulling off his jacket when he felt something crash into his jaw. He was hit with enough force he was thrown couple of feet back where he landed on his ass. Quickly he scrambled back, shedding his jacket completely. He looked around wildly for a weapon, thinking that something had managed to get passed their security system. When he felt his back hit the wall he looked up to see what he was facing and froze in place.

“Sammy?” He could see the anger in Sam’s eyes. His fists were still raised so Dean didn’t even try to get up from the floor. Raising both his palms in front of him he tried to get Sam to back off. “What the hell Sam? What’s going on?”

“IT’S SAM, you asshole! And you’re what’s going on.” Sam practically growled. “You don’t want to hunt with me anymore? Fine. But you damn well don’t have any right to try and send me back to Stanford.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah shit. I found out all of your stupid plans Dean. I don’t even want to go back to Stanford but you would have known that if you had taken three seconds to TALK TO ME ABOUT IT! But no. Just like Dad you think you can make decisions for me and tell me what to do. Well you know what? I’m a fucking adult and I can make my own fucking decisions. I don’t need you Dean. I can take care of myself. So just fuck you.” Sam spat as he grabbed the keys from the table, stepped over Dean and was out the front door before Dean could even get to his feet.

“Sam!” Dean called as he threw open the front door but was only in time to watch the Impala speed away. “Goddamit Sam!” Dean kicked the dirt at his feet. The statement that Sam didn’t need him making his heart clench.

~*~

Dean knew this was all his fault. He never should have tried to keep secrets from Sam, and he definitely shouldn’t have made any inquiries about Stanford without consulting Sam. Now it appeared he was screwed. Sam was definitely not going to want to hunt with him anymore now.

He sat down in the communications room intent on sending out a bunch of emails to put everything on hold. Once he’d signed in he realized that Sam had already done that for him, as him. **_Dammit!_** So Sam knew everything. How had he even known to go snooping? He certainly hadn’t seemed like he suspected Dean of anything. **_Wait._** Wasn’t it such a coincidence that Sam knew to go snooping the one night that Dean had stepped out? Nope. There was no coincidence. Sam had set him up and he knew it. Sam must have gotten rid of all the alcohol knowing for sure that he would go out for it. **_Well played Sam, well played. But did you have to waste all the alcohol?_** He could really use a stiff drink right now.

Shutting everything down Dean stepped back into the living room. He really had no idea what to do. He had no idea when Sam would be back, and he wasn’t even sure he wanted to be awake when Sam walked back in. He did know that there was going to be a talk happening soon. There was no way to avoid it. And he needed to start it with a huge apology to Sam.

Dean made sure everything was locked up, and stepped into the bathroom for his pre-bed ritual. Shortly after, he settled down on his bed where he lay staring at the ceiling for what seemed like hours.

His brain wouldn’t give him any relief. He was either thinking about how pissed Sam was, and how he could make it up to him. Or he would close his eyes and see Sam naked on the couch in front of him.

~*~

Sam had been sitting in the parking lot of the bar for the past hour. He’d been so angry when he’d left the cabin he hadn’t really thought about where he was going to go. Eventually he found himself here since there wasn’t much else around. Now he was deciding if he should go in and drink or just head back to the cabin. He certainly didn’t want a repeat of his last visit to the bar but he didn’t necessarily want to go back to the cabin either.

He wasn’t as furious as he’d been when he’d stormed out on Dean. Driving and sitting had given him time to reign himself in. He was almost at a point to where he could understand where Dean was coming from. He still wasn’t okay with it, but he understood what had happened in Dean’s brain. After their night together, Dean would have panicked. Hell, _he_ had panicked. It was in Dean’s nature to be the martyr and he’d always seen himself as Sam’s protector. So having a romantic and sexual relationship with his own brother would be something that Dean would reject with his whole being, regardless of his own feelings. He would see it as taking advantage of his little brother.

Sam wasn’t even sure _he_ was totally comfortable with it but he’d already accepted himself as a freak before any of this. So this was just another aspect of his freak. He could definitely accept these things better than Dean could. Dean lived in black and white. Sam had always lived in shades of grey.

It almost made sense to Sam in some twisted way. All they had ever really had was each other. There was no chance of relationships outside of “the life”, all that did was put innocent people in danger. So they relied on each other for back up, companionship, and that shoulder to cry on. They were each other’s everything already. Why not take that one step further? Who was going to know? Really, who was going to care? Dad was gone and they rarely met up with any hunters other than Bobby. Sam was pretty sure Bobby would come around eventually; but even if he didn’t it really didn’t matter. All that mattered was what he and Dean thought.

So how did he get through to Dean? How did he reassure him that it would all be ok if he wasn’t even sure he was going to be ok with it. It was a big step for sure. And once that line was crossed there really was no going back. But hadn’t they already crossed that line? Weren’t they already past the point of no return? It sure felt like they were.

Sam sat and stared out the window for another half an hour before making his way back to the cabin. Luckily for Sam, Dean had already gone to sleep. He knew they had a big conversation coming to them, and he didn’t really feel like he had it in him tonight. He just wanted to get a little bit of sleep before walking the minefield that was “chick flick moments” with Dean. Sam got ready for bed as quietly as possible before slipping under the sheets. It took him almost no time to fall asleep once his head hit the pillow.

~*~

Dean slowly opened his eyes and stretched, forgetting last night’s events until he ran a hand down his face and felt a sharp pain in his jaw. Groaning, everything came back all at once. He glanced over at Sam’s bed, and saw his brother; who was there and thankfully Sam was still asleep.

Dean pulled on a pair of jeans and t-shirt as quietly as he could so as not to wake Sam. He didn’t even bother trying to find clean boxers. His intention was to get out of the room as fast as possible before Sam had a chance to wake up. As he passed by Sam’s bed he stopped, just watching Sam sleep for a few minutes. He looked so peaceful and Dean couldn’t help thinking how gorgeous Sam was. **_Stop that! I am not going to let this happen_** , Dean’s mind screamed at him. **_He’s your brother!_**   Dean’s hand reached out as if to stroke Sam’s cheek but he pulled back quickly; turned and left the room.

After he showered and made a pot of coffee Dean had decided not to do his normal workout. He knew had owed Sam a huge apology, and that they needed to talk. He also knew that the longer he put it off, the harder it would get. So he grabbed his coffee, and settled on the couch in the living room to wait for Sam. Who should be waking up any minute.

~*~

When Sam opened his eyes the room was really quiet, he couldn’t hear his brother breathing. Turning towards the bed he saw that Dean was no longer there. However, the bed was still a mess. Which wasn’t normal. If it wasn’t the day they would be checking out of a hotel, Dean _always_ made his bed with military precision. So that meant he was either coming back soon or he had vacated the room in a hurry. Sam was pretty sure it was the latter.

Sighing Sam got up, searched for some clean clothes, and then headed into the bathroom for his shower. As the water ran down his back he tried to figure out how he was going to approach this topic with Dean. Actually, he was more concerned about even getting Dean to sit down and talk. For the first time he was regretting pouring out all the alcohol. Why had he done that? He could have easily just hid the bottles without draining them.  Apparently he hadn’t been thinking straight. There were far too many moments like that these days.

Once he’d dried off and gotten dressed he’d headed down the hall only to stop in his tracks when he saw Dean sitting on the couch.

“Dean…” Sam wasn’t sure what to say.

“Hey Sammy. So here’s the thing, I know that I owe you a huge apology. I also know that there is long overdue talk that we need to have. So why don’t you grab yourself a coffee and join me. But don’t take too long because I am not sure how much longer the resolve to talk will win out over my instinct to run.”

Sam blinked at Dean a couple of times as Deans words filtered through his brain. Then he turned into the kitchen without saying anything. As he poured his coffee he realized that he was nervous. He wasn’t sure where this talk was going, and with Dean initiating it that could be pretty much be anywhere. He eyed Dean a little suspiciously as he sat down towards the other end of the couch.

He raised his head and made eye contact with Dean and was surprised at how much emotion he saw in Dean’s eyes. He’d always loved Dean’s eyes. They were such a beautiful shade of green and they were so expressive when he allowed them to be. Sam knew he was one of the only people who had ever seen Dean’s eyes like that. Remembering that he was supposed to still be angry with Dean, Sam shook his head to clear his thoughts. Then raised his eyebrow at Dean, signaling him to start whatever it was they were doing.

Dean cleared his throat and took a deep breath. He set his mug down on the table and turned to face Sam again.

“Ok. I know there is a lot to say but I’ll start with the apology part first.” Dean took another deep breath. He kept his eyes trained on his hands. “I know I was wrong Sam. I never should have shut you out like that. Or tried to make decisions for you. I just freaked out. I should have talked you right after we…uh, after uh, well you know…after. But, like I said, I freaked. I felt so bad for what I did to you.” Dean held up his hand when he saw Sam start to speak. “No, just let me finish. Then you can say anything you want. At first I thought just a little distance between us for a few days would do it and then things could go back to normal. But it didn’t get easier, it almost got worse. I didn’t want you to know about me. About what a sick fuck I am.”

“Dean…” Sam tried to interrupt.

“Sam please.” Dean begged

“Ok.” Sam nodded.

“So then I thought maybe if we could just get back on the road with a case, with distractions, maybe I would be able to breathe again. So I started looking for a case.” Dean let out a deep sigh before continuing. “But then I realized a case would be worse, stuck in the car, a hotel, whatever.” He flipped his hand in the air. “I started thinking the only answer was for us to stop hunting together. It’s not that I wanted to be apart from you, god just the thought makes me feel sick, but I couldn’t trust myself around you. It would have put our lives in danger on hunts, I would have been so distracted. So it seemed like splitting up was the only option.” Dean took another deep breath and it seemed like he needed a moment to center himself before he continued.

Sam could see the pain in Dean’s face. He wanted so badly to interrupt him and take that pain away but he had promised to let Dean finish, so he would. Almost all his anger had washed away when he saw how hard this was on Dean. Actually, he was a little astonished at all the depth and emotion he was getting from Dean. No jokes or stupid phrases to break the tension. He was really going for this.

Sam wasn’t sure how long Dean was going to last but he’d take what he could get. He’d only seen Dean this open maybe three or four other times in his entire life and most of them had been when they were younger. Like when Dean had had to break down and tell him what their Dad really did and why he was barely around. Or explain why all the fighting and weapons training was so important for a 10-year-old when he was sure other kids didn’t have to do it. Also, when he had explained why Sam could never, ever tell anyone the truth about their lives. He remembered the look on Dean’s face while he was trying to explain the necessity of it, while also trying to convince Sam that he wasn’t a freak, that he just had a different kind of family.     

Even back then he had always been Dean’s. He’d known it like he knew how to breathe. When he got older Dean was always the buffer between him and his father. Dean always took his side, even though some of those times he actually deserved it. He had needed to get away from their father to find himself. He had known that all he’d have to do was ask Dean to leave with him and he’d have gone with him in a second. That had scared him a little. He had probably been sensing this change between them and that had unknowingly fueled his desire to go to college. Was why he hadn’t asked Dean to follow him.

But he’d been miserable without Dean. He just hadn’t known it until he was forced back in that night…

“…Sam!” Dean yelled, snapping Sam out of his thoughts. He turned quickly to face Dean who was now on his feet and did not look amused.                 

“Seriously Dude? I am sitting here trying to apologize. Putting it all out there and you can’t even pay attention to me?” Sam could tell Dean was trying hard to stay in control.

“Shit, no. Dean, I just…” Sam started as he stood up as well.

“Save it Sam.” Dean held up his hand and stormed out of the room. Sam flinched when he heard the back door slam.

 ** _Goddamit! What the hell is wrong with you Winchester? You get a one in a million chance of Dean opening up to you and you gotta throw it away like it’s nothing? Crap._** Sam knew he couldn’t go after Dean right away. He needed to give him at least a few minutes to settle down before he went tearing after him, begging him to finish the conversation.     

~*~

As soon as Dean stepped onto the back porch his shoulders slumped. It was like all the fight had just slipped out of him and turned into hurt. He lowered himself down to sit on the steps and just dropped his head into his hands. He should have expected this. Sam was so mad at him or disgusted by him that he couldn’t even hear out his apology. It had been so hard to open up like that, and he hadn’t even gotten to the hard part. The part where he and Sam discussed what had happened that night on the sofa. **_God I am such a fool_**.

He’d been hoping that after they’d talked things out that maybe they would be able to work out some kind of compromise and be able to continue hunting together. Deep down though he knew that would never work. At least not for the long haul. Even if they slept in separate motel rooms he wouldn’t be able to handle it. He’d be constantly worried about Sam’s safety and a large part of him would always wonder if Sam had anyone in the room with him. Hell, he’d probably have to watch him pick someone up at the bar and take them back to his room. He was strong but he wasn’t that strong. That would make him a liability on a hunt and he would probably end up getting one or both of them killed.

He was running over scenarios in his mind of how he could handle this. Trying to find a way to make this work and not leave his brother behind. The pain in his chest was almost unbearable because he couldn’t seem to come up with a scenario that would keep them together. Dean knows he has to leave here without Sam. Drive away in the middle of the night. Sam will be safest here and can call Bobby to bring him a car when he’s ready. It’s got to be a clean break. He’s got to snuff out that small glimmer of hope that he carries. Drown it in whiskey is more like it but yeah, either way, it’s got to go.

A small sob broke free as Dean leaned further over his knees. His hands fisted in his hair as he tried to force himself not to cry. Dean didn’t cry for much but right now he felt like his whole world, his entire reason for being, was crumbling underneath his feet. It felt like there was nothing he could do to stop it. He also hadn’t heard the back door open so he nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Sam’s voice beside him.

“Dean. No, no wait!” Sam reached out and grabbed Dean’s arm when it appeared he was about to bolt.

“Just hear me out ok. Just for a minute.” Sam pleaded.

Dean pulled his arm away from Sam but settled back down on the step. He waved his hand in the air to signal Sam to start talking.

“Listen Dean, I wasn’t ignoring you in there. At least not on purpose.” He added when he heard Dean snort. “I had just gotten caught up in my own thoughts and hadn’t realized you had started speaking again. I was definitely intending to let you finish as you’d asked. I wanted to hear what you were saying.” Sam paused but Dean just sat there silently.

“Ok. Yes I was pissed at you, beyond pissed. But I’ve also had time to think about everything. I think I can understand where you were coming from, even the Stanford deal. I know you felt trapped. I should have pushed us more to talk or something. I just, well I wasn’t sure what to say. But I get it. I really do. I’m not mad anymore Dean. We don’t need to fight over this. It’s been fixed. We can move forward. I accept your apology Dean, honestly.” Sam held his breath as he looked down at Dean.

Dean gave a small nod of his head and then took a deep breath. “Sam, I am so sorry for what I did.”

“Dean, I just said I forgave you.”

“No, Sam. Not about going behind your back about Stanford. About, that night…you know. What I did to you…”

“Dean stop.” Sam interrupted. “You didn’t _do_ anything to me. I kissed you remember?”

“Jesus Sammy stop it. I know I am a sick fuck. I know how wrong that was. How it’s disgusting that I took advantage…”

“Of your helpless little brother.” Sam finished for him. “Is that how you see me Dean? As this helpless child that can’t take care of himself? Someone that you’re always having to rescue?” Sam tried to keep the hurt out of his voice but he wasn’t very successful.

“No! Of course not!” Dean insisted. “You know that’s not true. But you’re my _brother_ Sam, my _younger_ brother. How can what I did not be considered horrible?” Dean finally turned his face up to Sam. There were a lot of emotions swirling over Sam’s face and eyes, but there was definitely want and lust in there. Dean was surprised to see these displayed so openly on his brother and he felt his resolve starting to slip.

“Dean!” Sam watched Dean flinch when he shouted his name and winced slightly. He didn’t want to cause his brother pain but he needed him to start listening and understanding what he was trying to say. Not just having the same roundabout conversation over, and over, and getting nowhere other than both of them hurt.

“Stop saying what ‘you’ did. _We_ did it Dean, _together_.” Sam started in a softer tone once he was sure he had Dean’s full attention. “So is what we did considered incest? Of course it is but who cares? We don’t follow any other societal rules; why start with this one? These types of things have never really applied to us. And trust me, in the grand scheme of things, we have done way worse than a little incest.”

 ** _A little incest?_** Dean had to physically stop himself from snorting at that statement. Then he had to bite his tongue to keep quiet as “a little incest never hurt anyone” ran through his head. He didn’t think Sam would appreciate him bursting out laughing right now. Leave it to Dean to always come up with inappropriate comments at all the appropriate times to make them inappropriate.

“We’ve murdered people Dean.” Sam held his hand up when Dean opened his mouth to interrupt. “My turn now.” He waited till Dean nodded. “I know there were good reasons behind killing those people, even the ones who were innocent or brought it on themselves. It all comes down to self-defense or the greater good. But ‘society’ will never understand that.”

“Of course they won’t! Hell, even people who have seen it with their own eyes deny it because even the idea of accepting it is just too preposterous, much less others believing them.” Dean interjected and got Sam’s bitch face for his troubles.

“I know that Dean. There is no court in the land that would believe them, or us for that matter.” Sam relaxed his stance before continuing. “I’ve longed to live a ‘normal life’ and I know you have too.” Sam’s tone of voice had become more soothing. “But how can life ever be ‘normal’ once we’ve seen all the things that we’ve seen and done all the things that we’ve done? Even if we stopped hunting.” Sam looked up and was happy to see that Dean seemed to be paying very close attention to him.

“We break societal morals and commit crimes on a daily basis. If we ever tried to explain ourselves there wouldn’t even be a trial. They’d just throw us in an asylum for the criminally insane and forget about us.” Sam smiled when he saw Dean nodding his agreement.

“We don’t do this to be heroic, cause if we do our job right no one even knows we did it, except maybe other hunters. We do this because someone _has_ to do it. We’re the two best hunters out there so it’s our responsibility, our family business, whether we want it or not.”

“It’s not often that hunters get to have any kind of relationship, especially with people who aren’t hunters, for fear they will be used against them or it will get them killed. Everything we hunt already tries to use us against each other. We’re the infamous Winchester family where family is our Achilles heel. So if all of that is going to happen anyway and the morality or legalities of being together really have no bearing in ‘our world’ why would we not jump at this chance to have a little slice of happiness in our lives?”    

Dean stared up at Sam having no idea how to respond to his speech. Sam had obviously put a lot of thought into this. Clearly those thoughts were a lot more rational than his had been. He opened his mouth and closed it a couple of times and then dropped his gaze. He was still processing everything Sam had just said and he didn’t want to blurt out just anything that came to mind. He owed it to Sam to really consider what he’d just said.

Sam placed two fingers under Dean’s chin and tilted it up so he was looking into his eyes. Dean wasn’t sure what was coming but he braced for it anyways.

“What we did…no, what we _shared_ that night on the sofa? I don’t regret one fucking second of it. It’s been hell these last few days, not being able to touch you, being alone even though we’re in the same room. Treating each other like we’re just random hunters, not even being brothers. I can’t do that. And, honestly? There were so many times, especially when you were working out…”

Dean cocked his head to the side and raised an eyebrow to Sam at this. “Oh, uh…yeah. When you were using the training dummies I kinda watched from the woods, where you couldn’t see me. It wasn’t too hard since you were usually so focused on beating the shit out of them anyways.” Sam blushed and ducked his head a little. He heard what sounded like a snort and looked back up to Dean and saw amusement shining in his eyes.

“Yeah. There were those times and quite a few others where it was all I could do not to just throw you down and fuck you. I’ve taken a whole bunch of extra-long showers that I didn’t technically need to be clean and since you couldn’t see me in the woods anyways…” Sam swallowed and let that sentence trail off knowing that Dean would get the implication.  Sam held his breath, he wasn’t really sure how Dean was going to take this last admission.

Dean’s breath hitched. A vision of Sam just throwing him down and fucking him floated through is mind. But it was the thought of Sam jerking off while watching him work out that had him blindingly hard in less than three seconds. Luckily, because of the way he was sitting, Sam didn’t have a good view of his crotch.

Dean still had no idea how to respond to all this, he just stared at Sam for a second and then just looked back down at his feet. He was so out of his element. He’s the no “chick-flick moments” guy. The one who never talks about feelings. He knows he’s flying blind here, hell, he doesn’t even recognize himself. He takes another deep breath and is hoping for a moment of clarity to hit or for Sam to start talking again.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Sam step away, and is sure he’s about to walk away again. So to say he was surprised when he felt Sam slide down behind him was an understatement. Dean stiffened, still not exactly sure what was going on. He felt Sam’s legs bracket him on either side, his arms wrap around him and Sam rest his chin on his shoulder. Then Sam started to speak in low tones.

“I know you want this as much as I do Dean. I can see it in your eyes. I’ve never felt this for anyone else, just you. It’s always been you. I just didn’t realize it at first. Those years in college? Yeah, they sucked. I spent every day wishing you were with me. So when the shapeshifters forced me to find you guys I was grateful. Well, not that you were in danger, but grateful to have the excuse to come back. To hunt with you again. To be with my brother. The only person in the entire world that I am truly comfortable with.”

Sam’s breath was ghosting over his neck and cheek and a small whimper escaped Dean’s throat. The feeling of Sam wrapped around him was almost too much and not enough all at the same time.

“Sammy…” Dean started in a broken voice.

“Shhh. Listen to me Dean. All I want is you. I don’t care that we’re brothers. So why does it matter? It’s not like anyone’s gonna know we’re brothers. Well Bobby, but he’ll come around. And even if he doesn’t, fuck him, who cares. The only opinion I care about is yours. The rest of the world can just fuck off for all I care. I just want to be with you, in every way possible. Please Dean.”

It was that last plea from Sam that tore through him like molten lava. Could he really do this? He was still stunned that Sam felt the same way. How could that be possible? Brothers weren’t supposed to feel that way for each other. But he did feel that way and it was so hard to keep it repressed. The tenuous grasp he had on doing the right thing was rapidly slipping away. Sam was offering him the one thing he wanted most in the world. How could he say no to that? He wanted so bad to just let go and say yes but that little voice in his head could still be heard. He felt Sam’s arms tighten around him slightly and he leaned his head back against Sam’s shoulder.

“I don’t know if I can do this Sammy.” Dean’s voice was about as weak as he felt.

“You can do anything you want Dean” Sam whispered in his ear. “And I’d really like it if you were doing me.”

Dean closed his eyes as another whimper slipped out at that statement. Then suddenly his eyes shot wide open as he felt Sam pull him back and grind his erection into Dean’s lower back.

“Oh God.” Dean moaned “S-Sam…I-I…”

“Just let go Dean.” Sam encouraged as he slipped his hand down over Dean’s stomach to grip and squeeze Dean’s cock through his jeans.

“Jesus fuck!” Dean squeezed his eyes shut. It felt so good. Starting to relax he let his legs fall a little wider. He could still feel Sam’s dick pressing into his back so he pushed back, giving Sam some more friction.

“Ung...” Sam moaned. He turned his head and started kissing along Dean’s neck, taking the lobe of his ear between his teeth. Dean’s head rolled to the side, giving Sam more access. By the sounds coming from Dean he could tell that this was one of Dean’s extra sensitive areas.

Moving his hand Sam increased the pressure he had on Dean’s dick and started a lazy up and down movement. Not meant to get Dean off, just enough to stoke the fires.

“Ohmygod…so good…” Dean muttered as he felt Sam slowly moving his hand against his cock. He curled his hands against his thighs, nails digging in. His only thoughts were of Sam, and what he was doing to him.

Sam tightened his grip and started moving his hand faster. The beginnings of an orgasm taking root in Dean’s belly. He quickly moved his hand to still Sam’s.

“S-Sam. Not…here. Don’t want…to c-come…pants…b-bed…” Dean panted out breathlessly.

“Yeah…ok” Sam had been so lost in the moment he had forgotten they were sitting on the back steps.

The brothers stood almost in one fluid movement with their arms still around each other, and stumbled backwards through the kitchen door.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter.   
> Sorry it was kind of short.   
> Hope you all enjoyed it as much as enjoyed writing it.
> 
> But...if people like the story, and there is interest in seeing their story continue,   
> I will likely make it into a verse. So if you want more you gotta tell me!
> 
> I'm dying to know what y'all think of it, so let me know!!

Dean was pretty sure they were both going to be sporting bruises the next day from everything they had bumped into getting through the kitchen. At the door, they had broken apart just long enough for Dean to turn around and, fix his lips over Sam’s. Dean felt his heart race as a sensation, not unlike jolts of electricity, began firing through his system the moment their lips touched. He knew Sam was feeling something similar too because he couldn’t decipher which one of them was moaning louder. Dean plunged his fingers into Sam’s hair and tightened his grip as they stumbled the rest of the way through the kitchen. His head was spinning. He wasn’t sure if it was from lack of oxygen or the fact that he was _finally_ kissing Sam. Probably some of both.

Once they reached the hall Sam stopped abruptly. Dean pulled his head back slightly and looked at Sam confused. For a moment he started to panic that Sam was changing his mind. Then he heard Sam growl low in his throat as he was slammed against the wall with Sam’s hips grinding almost painfully into his.

“Jesus Sam…” was all Dean could get out before Sam’s mouth was plastered over his again.

Dean’s hands went wild. It was like he was trying to touch all of Sam at the same time. He sucked and nibbled at Sam’s lips, his hips thrusting forward, seeking the friction his cock was aching for. The moans coming out of Sam were purely sinful. This only served to increase the thrumming that was coursing through Dean’s body. It was too much and not enough. It was frantic and desperate. You could feel the deep emotion, the connection that bound them, simmering just under the surface. He had never felt anything like this before.

Dean felt Sam’s hands wrap under his thighs and then suddenly he was lifted clear off the floor. That sound that came out of his mouth? That sound was definitely _not_ a “squeak”. Instinct alone had him wrapping his arms and legs around Sam. The fact that Sam had no trouble lifting and holding him was way more of a turn on than he thought it should be. When Sam stepped away from the wall and easily started down the hall Dean thought he was going to come in his pants. He was in no way sexually inexperienced. He’d been around the block more than his fair share of times but this, this was a whole new sensation for him. Dean was not a small guy. That Sam, his _younger_ brother, with little effort, could just lift and carry him, only increased the throbbing in his cock. Apparently, his reaction to “caveman Sam” was something he was going to have to do a lot more research on. _A lot_ more research.

Dean used his heels to bring Sam in even closer, grinding down against Sam. He felt Sam’s feet falter and for a second he thought they were both going to go down. Not that having Sam on top of him was a bad thing, it was the hard floor that wasn’t all that inviting. But Sam managed to pull himself up and stumble the rest of the way to the bedroom.

“Dean! Christ!” Sam pulled his head back, only to see Dean’s mischievous smirk looking back at him. Winking at Dean, Sam let himself fall forward onto the closest bed. Dean conveniently broke his fall. He’ll deny it but he’s pretty sure he actually _giggled_ when he heard the startled “Oooff!” from Dean, as all the air in his lungs was punched out.

In that moment, their eyes locked and neither of them could look away. Sam was just lifting his hand to run his fingers through Dean’s short hair when he saw a familiar flash across Dean’s eyes. **Shit!** Dean was shutting down on him again. He felt Dean start to pull away so he wrapped his arms tighter and let all his body weight rest on Dean. He needed to keep Dean with him while he did damage control on whatever thought was running through Dean’s head now. Dean was giving him whiplash he was changing his mind so much.

Dean lowered his eyes and squirmed harder, trying to pull himself out from under Sam. Because of Sam’s size and position, the only thing the squirming accomplished was making both their cocks that much harder. Ramping up, at least Sam’s, arousal.

“You know Dean, rubbing yourself against my body is really not the best way to make me move away. It’s kind of more incentive to stay right here.” Sam tried to keep his voice light, with a tone of humor but he couldn’t suppress the small moan that escaped at the end of his sentence.

“Sam. Come on, let me up. I…I can’t…” Dean’s voice was almost a whisper and Sam saw the silent plea in Dean’s eyes.

Hearing Dean so close to begging drove a knife into Sam’s heart. He almost gave in and rolled off, but he just couldn’t let go without a fight. Dean was worth fighting for. He was the only thing, as far as Sam was concerned, that was worth fighting for. So Sam squared his shoulders and looked back at Dean, putting as much love and want as he could into his gaze. He needed Dean to know how he felt without saying it out loud.

“Nope. No way. Not until you talk to me Dean. You don’t get to just back out on me without giving me a reason.” Sam kept trying to make eye contact.

“We’re brothers Sam. I’m your _older_ brother. What more of a reason do you need than that?” Dean still wouldn’t make eye contact.

“We’ve been over this Dean. It doesn’t matter.” Sam was starting to get frustrated. **_Dammit Dean!_** Why couldn’t Dean just let go and take something for himself for once. More than anything Sam just wanted Dean to have some happiness. Sam had been hoping that that would be him. But even if it wasn’t he still wanted Dean to have something, someone, just for him.

“Sammy, if we go through with this, it’s a line…a line we can never come back from. It’ll change everything. I’m your brother, I’m supposed to watch over you. Not buy you a one-way ticket on the express train to hell.” Dean was exasperated. He couldn’t understand how Sam couldn’t see how wrong this was.

Sam chuckled softly but made sure Dean could see there was no malice on his face.

“Dean.” Sam used his fingers to angle Dean’s head so he could look into his eyes. “Do you really think we don’t already have reserved suites waiting for us in hell? We don’t need any help in that department, I’m pretty sure we’ve already got that one covered big brother.” Sam leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Dean’s lips and smiled when he heard Dean gasp at the touch. “And I am quite sure that we’ve already crossed this line you are talking about. Somehow, I think coming down your throat the other night sort of left that line way behind us in the dust.” Sam winked at Dean and rolled his hips down over Dean’s making their cocks rub together. It felt so good even through the layers of denim.

“Oh God Sammy…” Dean panted out. “Sam…I got to…I need…oh God…” Dean wasn’t even sure what he was trying to say anymore. His hips were moving of their own accord, relentlessly grinding against Sam’s. The heat from Sam lying over him was seeping into every pore, exciting his whole body. All he wanted to do was give in and take what Sam was offering. He tried, but he couldn’t think of any of the, so carefully thought out reasons as to why this was a bad idea. What he wanted was within his grasp and he wanted so badly to just take it.

Sam could see that Dean still fighting things even though he seemed to be giving in slowly. He leaned down and took Dean’s lips in a tender kiss and then pulling his bottom lip into his mouth Sam suddenly bit down hard. He wanted to make sure he had Dean’s full attention. The sharp, unexpected pain caused Dean’s eyes to snap up to him but they also seemed to clear some.

“Please listen to me closely Dean. Please try to understand what I am saying to you.” Sam urged. When Dean nodded his head Sam continued.

“Dean when I was six months old you saved my life. You were only four years old, but you still saved my life. Then you basically became my nanny, might as well have been my father, even though you were still a child yourself. From there you quickly became my teacher for everything that wasn’t written in a book. You were always my best friend, sometimes you were my only friend.” Sam brushed his fingertips across Dean’s forehead and then down over his cheek. He felt Dean shiver at his touch.

“You put up with all my shit and sided with me against Dad, even though you knew I was in the wrong. You, and only you, made me the man I am today. And I will always love you for that.” Sam slid his fingers through Dean’s short hair. “And through all of it, through every single part, you have always been my brother, you will _always_ be my brother. Nothing will ever change that or take me away from you. Certainly not some fictional line we’re told not to cross.”

“Sam…” Dean ground out, fisting his hands in Sam’s shirt to pull him closer.

“But now Dean? Now? You’re still my best friend. You’re my only family. And I am really hoping that you’re about to become my lover, my partner. I want this with you Dean, more than anything I have ever wanted before. These feelings are not going to go away and it’s obvious that neither of us can fight them anymore. I can’t be apart from you. You are a part of my soul. We have a connection that most people would kill for and I, for one, refuse to ignore it. It’s not always going to be easy. Sometimes it will be downright torture, but when have we ever had easy? This could be so good for us. This _will_ be so good for us. God, Dean. Please.” Sam watched as Dean opened and closed his mouth a few times. Obviously having no idea what to say.

As they stared at one another Sam could see what looked like tears forming in his brother’s eyes. Being the awesome brother that he was, Sam decided to let Dean out of this “chick-flick” moment unscathed. He curled his hand around the back of Dean’s neck and lightly tugged him forward.

“Now get over here and kiss me, so we can forget about how much of a girl I am.” Sam gave him a small smile.

“There is _no way_ I would _ever_ mistake you for a girl, Sammy.” Dean growled as he looked up at Sam. Having a lover, yes, he _said_ it…lover, that he had to look up at. Who was also his baby brother, did all kinds of really good, really intense things inside of him. He wanted Sam so bad, he hadn’t even known it was _possible_ to want to be with someone this much.

But it was more than that. He could feel all the deeper emotions that were threatening to crush him if he didn’t share them soon. The only person he _ever_ wanted to share these kinds of feelings with was Sam. He was starting to understand what people meant when they said, “true love” and “soulmates”.

He wanted this. Oh God he wanted this. The last of his resolve was starting to fade away as he reached up and tangled his hands in Sam’s hair. God he loved Sam’s hair, not that he would ever admit that to Sam though. He’d never stop bugging Sam about his hair. He _was_ still his big brother after all, so it was required.

As he tightened his grip he heard Sam choke out his name.

“D-Dean…?”

He heard the question in Sam’s voice, his breath hitching when he met Sam’s lust blown eyes. Sam’s gaze was so intense you could see all his emotions swirling in them, so close to the surface. Love, lust, fear, acceptance, encouragement, how deeply Sam _wanted_ him, and how nervous he was that Dean would reject him again.

Sam was completely open and vulnerable right now. Dean was seeing his own feelings mirrored back at him through Sam’s eyes. All of a sudden it was like something clicked in to place and he could finally see how much Sam _really did_ want him. Sam wanted him as bad as he wanted Sam. In that moment, he knew that Sam was all in, for better or for worse.

That was it, something inside Dean broke, or maybe it was that something was actually fixed. All at once he was arching against Sam while roughly pulling him down into a bruising kiss. When their kiss broke Dean couldn’t stop the torrent of emotions and words that were spilling from him.

“God Sammy, yes, yes…anything you want…yes, yes, yes.” Dean angled his hips up and ground against Sam. He smiled at the low moan coming from Sam’s throat. “Jesus fucking Christ Sam, I fucking need you so fucking bad…nugrthm… “Dean ground the length of his cock over Sam’s and even with the denim in between them he could feel the heat radiating off Sam.

“Oh, and Sammy?” Dean started, his smirk fully in place now. “I am _so_ glad you are _not_ a girl.” He growled as he pulled Sam down into a kiss that literally took both their breaths away.

The pace between them suddenly picked up to frantic. Each of them tearing at the others clothes. Soon shirts were being dropped on the floor and fingers were fumbling with buttons and zippers. Sam yanked down the zipper of Dean’s jeans and stopped. His hand had just brushed bare skin and not the expected touch of cotton. **_Dean was going commando?!_** His brain kind of short circuited and his mouth dried up instantly. He cleared his throat and quickly started pushing at the waist band of Dean’s pants to cover up his momentary stutter. Dean just raised an eyebrow and the gleam in his eyes told Sam that his brother hadn’t missed a thing.

“You all right there Sammy?” Dean smirked and chuckled at Sam.

 ** _Oh, we’re going to play this game? Ok then._** Sam looked right at Dean with his smug expression and then shifted his hand over and gave Dean’s cock a tight squeeze. Dean near threw Sam right off the bed he arched up so fast.

“Holy fuck!” Dean hissed.

“Yeah Dean, I’m good. What about you? You doing alright?” Now it was Sam’s turn to smirk.

“Oh you think you’re all that do you?” Dean asked as he surged up and latched on to one of Sam’s nipples. First giving it a quick, sharp bite, then soothed it with his tongue, finishing off by sucking hard and letting go with an audible “pop”.

“Fucking hell…” Sam let loose with a string of expletives that Dean was pretty sure were Latin, or maybe Aramaic, but definitely _not_ English. He silently sent a prayer that Sam wasn’t about to summon a demon, or set off spell of some kind. He hoped it was just parts of various exorcisms. A lot of it sounded very familiar but his brain wasn’t functioning enough to let him source out what it was exactly.

“…connubium sanctus orcus…” was the first phrase that penetrated Dean’s haze.

“Sam, did you just say the equivalent of ‘fucking holy hell’ in Latin?” He almost had to start laughing. He would have if he wasn’t so close to losing it himself.

“Ugh God!” was the only answer that Sam was able to manage. Dean’s sneak attack forcing him to jam his hand down his pants to quickly grip the base of his cock, _hard_. He screwed his eyes closed and hissed at Dean. “You keep that up…ugh…and this is all going to be over before I even get my pants off.”

“Mmm…” Dean used that moment to gain the upper hand, and rolled them so that he was on top.

“Goddammit Sammy. I’ve wanted this for so long, I don’t even remember when it started.” Dean breathed over Sam’s lips. “I want you so much. And as much as I want to be the stud right now, just thinking about being able to finally have you has me almost shooting off in my jeans.” He smiled as he heard Sam moan.

“We got nothing but time Sammy.” Dean rolled his hips down, and another moan escape from Sam. This one sounding more urgent as Sam pressed up against Dean, his fingers digging in to Dean’s hips. There was only the cotton of Sam’s boxers between their cocks now.

“It doesn’t matter when you come Sammy. You know why?” Dean’s voice had dropped about two octaves and had taken on a gravelly sound that sent shivers up Sam’s spine. He squirmed under Dean, needing more friction.

Sam just looked up at Dean the question finally registering. When he saw the predatory look in Dean’s eyes all he could do was swallow and shake his head no.

“Well Sam.” Dean drawled out slowly. “It’s because I am going to take you every way I can and I am damn sure gonna make up for lost time.” He rolled his hips down again, and heard Sam’s breathing turn to panting. All Sam could do was stare up at Dean with wide eyes.

“It doesn’t matter if you come right now because I’m just gonna make you come again, with your cock halfway down my throat.” As Dean rolled his hips again he felt Sam’s hands fly off his hips and tangle in the bed sheets. “Then I’m gonna roll you over and work you over so good that you’re going to come, your dick untouched, from only my tongue and my fingers.” He rolled his hips once again, adding a little more pressure this time.

“Ohmigod…” Sam choked and his hips stuttered. Dean could tell Sam was so close to losing it. After sharing a room on the road, basically their whole lives, Dean was very familiar with Sam’s “I’m about to blow my load” sounds.

Memories flashed through Dean’s mind. Memories of him lying with his back to Sam. Pretending to be asleep, while listening as Sam was jerking off next to him. Sometimes in the same bed. His own hand discreetly pulling at his cock in time with Sam’s strokes. He always came when Sam did. He’d always hoped that the rush of Sam’s orgasm had drowned out some of the small noises, he couldn’t help making, when he’d tumbled over the edge. If Sam had ever heard, he’d never said anything about it. 

The vision those memories produced had Dean almost losing it. His body stilled over Sam for a moment and Sam looked up at him with questioning eyes. It took Dean a minute to wrestle himself under control. He knew he wasn’t too far behind Sam. It was taking everything he had to hold back, and appear relatively calm. All he wanted to do was rut as hard as he could against Sam. He knew neither of them were going to make it out of their clothes before someone came. After a few deep breaths Dean was once again looking at Sam as if he was prey and Dean hadn’t eaten in a week.

“And after I’ve fucked you with my tongue, Sam. Then I’m gonna open you up and fuck you hard, but I won’t let you come. Nope, I’m gonna make you hold on. Once I’ve come deep inside you, then I’m gonna flip you over and ride that cock of yours. It’ll be so good that when you do come you’ll still be seeing stars the next week.”

“Oh Jesus fuck Dean!” Sam was rutting frantically against Dean now. He was surprised he could still form words, Dean had him so worked up. He’d never heard Dean talk like this before, and just hearing Dean explain what he was going to do to him was almost too much. Sam knew he wasn’t going last much longer. Not long enough for anything more so he just let go of his control and started fucking himself against Dean.

“So you see Sam…” Dean’s own breathing was labored now. “It doesn’t matter if you come now, because there are so many things I’ve wanted to do to you for so long and goddammit I am going to do them all.” Sam could see the fires raging in Dean’s eyes now and he wasn’t sure how Dean was still able to speak in full sentences. Though he definitely wasn’t complaining.

“You still close Sammy? Right on that edge?” Dean’s voice was now low and right beside his ear. He hadn’t even noticed that Dean had moved closer. All Sam could do was pull Dean harder against him and nod while groaning.

“Good. Good. And once we’re able to make it to the shower…“ Dean continues, his hips in constant motion now. “I’m gonna throw you up against the slick tiles of the shower wall and I’m gonna take you from behind. It’s gonna be rough and fast and so, so dirty Sam. I’m gonna make you scream my name so loud they’re gonna hear you two towns over.” Dean punctuated that sentence with another roll of his hips and a hard bite to Sam’s earlobe, just on this side of painful.

“Nugh…oh God…uh…D-de…oh fuuuuuck…” That was it for Sam. Arching off the bed, Sam came harder and longer than he ever had. All from some dry humping and dirty talk from Dean; they hadn’t even gotten their jeans off.

Still working through the aftershocks, Sam opened his eyes and looked up at Dean. Dean’s eyes were closed and his head thrown back. Sam could see that he was frantically working his own cock. Sam reached up and wrapped his hand over Dean’s, forcing him to pick up a little speed. Dean’s eyes snapped open, and he looked down at Sam. As soon as their eyes met, Dean was done.   

“Oh fuck me…uh…..” Dean groaned out, coming in bursts over Sam’s bare chest. If Sam hadn’t just had the best orgasm of his life, the sight of Dean coming undone, and shooting all over him would have had him creaming his jeans a second time.

~*~

Dean slumped and lowered himself down on top of Sam. All his bones had turned to liquid, and it was all he could do not to just crash down. He could feel their combined come squish between them. Even though he knew they should at least wipe off, he just couldn’t bring himself to care. He could feel Sam’s cock beside his, through Sam’s soaked boxers, and was surprised to feel it was half hard already. He turned his head so he was looking at Sam, gave his hips a slight nudge and raised one eyebrow in question.

“What do you expect?” Sam queried. When Dean just arched his eyebrow even higher Sam, continued. “You coming like that? Ya, just too hot to not have some sort of reaction. So…yeah…”

Dean chucked quietly. “Jesus Sam. That was…”

“Yeah…”

They both lay there staring at each other, trying to catch their breath. Finally, Dean rolled off Sam, and onto his back. He reached down, grabbed his t-shirt from the floor, and wiped off their chests. Then his jeans joined his discarded shirt on the floor.

“I suggest you follow my lead and lose the rest of your clothes, Sammy. Especially those boxers, before they become cemented to you.”

“Huh?” Sam looked questioningly at Dean.

“You didn’t think that was all just talk to get you off, did you? Since you already came down my throat the other day, next in line is you turning over so I can get to work with my tongue, and fingers, no?” Dean smirked as he saw Sam’s eyes widen. Then he had to laugh when Sam scrambled to get the rest of his clothes off, and turn over all in one motion.  

“Take it easy Sam, it’s not a race.”

Looking up from the pillow Sam glared at Dean. “Fuck you. Shut up and get to work.” He demanded and Dean barked out a laugh as he started running his hands all over Sam.

“Hang on.” Dean said abruptly, standing up.

“Hey!” Sam looked up, surprised, in time to see Dean walk out of the bedroom. “Dean!” he called but received no answer. He waited a few minutes. He could hear that Dean was rummaging around but had no idea what he was doing. He wasn’t answering when Sam called after him again.

He was just about to panic, and run after Dean when he stepped back into the room. His arms were full. He had: a few bottles of water, a handful of protein bars, a couple wet cloths, a decent sized towel, a tube of lube, a few condoms, and a bag of gummi bears. Sam opened his mouth to ask _what the fuck?_ and then quickly shut it when Dean dumped everything except the lube onto the table by the bed.

“What Sam? I told you I was gonna make up for lost time and we have quite the list to get through. So I grabbed supplies.” He explained as he crawled back onto the bed.

“Gummi bears?” Was all Sam could think to ask.

“That’s your takeaway? Gummi bears?” Dean chuckled. “Well it’s not good to leave you without food for very long. Even though those don’t really count as food, I didn’t want to waste time on anything else. Besides, I figure the sugar rush will give us that much more energy. I’m sure we’ll make it out of here in time to have a late dinner, don’t you think?”

“A late dinner? Dean, it’s just noon now.” Sam was definitely enjoying watching Dean relax down beside him on the bed.

“You’re right. We probably need more time than that, we have so much catching up to do. However, I think we’ll have to bite the bullet by late evening and give in to dinner. I don’t want you passing out from hunger on me. There are so many things I want to do to you that I need you conscious for.” Dean reasoned.

Sam swallowed at the thought of Dean’s list.

“Well then, what are you waiting for? We’d better get started, no?” Sam winked at Dean before turning back onto his stomach. Dean just growled and dove in.

 

End.


End file.
